Luxury wrapped in nothingness. I can use my new piano app, I can sit down and write on these white pages, and I can drink tea and eat whenever I want. The clock is in the background, where it reminds me of an important life lesson; That every minute is mine to use however I want.
Sometimes I think and plan, sometimes I just DO things. I write emails, listen to music, read books and go for a walk. Memories pop up as I`m reminded of similar moments to those lived and read about, and I try to imprint it all to my new memory. I like to know that my brain is occupied with learning and writing its own stories. That the knitting inside of me follows the patterns of my surroundings. When I learnt my first knitting technique yesterday, my neurons adapted so my fingers could pull and twist the thread in the right direction. When my fingers glide over the piano tiles on the screen, my neurons learn and applaud my fingers on. It`s so much to be happy about, and I am.
I appreciate the time I have so much, and it scares me that one day, it will all end. It will be dark. No more learning, no more memories and no more looking back. When the inner impatience awakens, I still remind myself that no matter how many years, minutes and seconds I have left, I still must do one thing at once. Sure, I can move back and worth between different activities, but I must stay in the moment while I do it. When I sing, I enjoy every tone, and when I write, I love the feeling of my fingers gliding over the keyboard. No one can take any of this from me. It`s mine, and I can keep it as long as my neurons want.
This summer I will have the chance to scan my brain in a machine. I`ve always wanted that, since I find it exciting to «see» the mystery that is me, on a page in front of me. I also like the idea that is more and more tangible today: To record my dreams and thoughts. They have already done this in Japan, and if they`d ask, I would say yes immediately. But I also read an interesting article in a magazine, that focused on how looking into ourselves, can become too much. We must be careful when threading the line, to keep away from self-absorption and egotism. Its interesting to know oneself, but I find it really thrilling when I discover the minds and ideas of others. The fascination is in the difference; Especially when I notice how their mindset is qualitatively different from mine. When you get that «pull» from a new, brilliant moment in someone else`s mind, I feel happy. I feel lucky to experienece it, and to understand that I might have been wrong.