memories

What, how and why?

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Thought Questions

Asking the right questions is the answer.

HOW RETURNING TO THE PAST CAN HELP YOU TO RECONNECT TO YOURSELF

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HOW RETURNING TO THE PAST CAN HELP YOU TO RECONNECT TO YOURSELF

The key to success is YOU

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Before I begin this post, let me get one thing straight – THERE IS NO MISSING PART OF YOU! You might feel that there is. You might feel that there is something missing in your life. You might feel that you are not the person that you once were.

This is all an illusion.

You are completely whole within yourself. You always have been. What is different, is the mind. The mind is powerful and can play tricks. You can be guilty of deluding yourself.

After an abusive relationship, it is common to stay stuck. The biggest prison, are the walls that people create for themselves. If you allow a sociopath to take control, they will take the bricks and mortar and help you build the wall to keep you prisoner, all under the guise of ‘helping you’.

If you go through your life feeling that something is MISSING the sociopath will gladly fill that missing part for you.

Why the key to ourselves often lies in our past

You are whole. You were born a whole person. You might have a lot of learning, growth and development to do. Some people have other issues, that I will not discuss in this post. I am talking about a person that was healthy and whole, PRIOR to being in either an abusive or traumatic situation.

I knew this. Working with people it was something that I often told my clients. I had worked for decades with homeless people. People who had often lost everything, including their homes, and were now living in temporary accommodation, sometimes with children too. For many of those people, at that point in their lives when I met them, life, was a complicated puzzle, sometimes overwhelming, the problems in their life felt overwhelming. I worked with people to resolve small problems one by one, to put the missing pieces of the puzzle back together.

So, if I was experienced at doing this to help others? Why did I struggle to do it for myself? Firstly, while I knew that the key to my life and the freedom in my life, was in the past – I knew that to reach there, I had to go BACKWARDS. As my daughter had died in Jan 2010, I didn’t want to go backwards to before she was born. I didn’t want to be this person. If I did, I reasoned in my head, then it would mean that I was denying that my daughter had ever existed.

I didn’t WANT to be that person that I was before the trauma had happened. But, even for me, this was essential, and I would stay stuck, until i DID go backwards.

What does it mean to go backwards?

Many victims/survivors talk of how different their lives once were. How they remember the person that they used to be. Often you were a vibrant, fun, successful person, with a lot to offer. Then you met someone who pulled your world down. Now, just how do you get back to who you once were?

To go back to who you once were, to find that missing part of yourself, takes the following:

  • Courage to return to the past
  • A belief to find yourself and knowledge that you will and can do this
  • Overcoming and having the confidence to cope with fear of rejection
  • An ability to follow yourself
  • Knowing who YOU are – what made you tick? What were the things that made YOU happy BEFORE you met your abuser? Where were you? Who were the people in your life? Why did life feel better back then?

Join up the dots

You are ALWAYS who you once were, the difference is what is in your mind. It is your own perception and how you see things. The following are some reasons why you hold yourself back:

  • You might be scared to return to the past
  • You meet see going backwards as literally a step backwards and therefore failure
  • You might think that to go back to where you were before you met the socio – means that you have wasted your life
  • You might not want to have wasted so many (often) years of your life, for… what you might see as nothing
  • You might not want to let go of the false illusion that was offered to you by the sociopath

Backwards can mean forwards

By returning to your past, what you are actually doing, is to return to where YOU were last happy, fulfilled and whole within YOU. You are returning to a time when none of the abuse had happened to you.

You know when you listen to music sometimes, it can trigger a memory? It is like that. By going back to where you felt most fulfilled, you are returning to a place that you felt safe.

I don’t know if this is true for you, but it certainly is for me, and my life. Throughout my life, there have been people who have entered my life, some have stayed, but usually, almost always it is the core group of people that are always there in my life. I might think that they have gone, but they haven’t. Pick up the phone and call, there is something quite comforting about your past.

You are the WHOLE of you

You are every part of you. You are every experience in your life. People come into your life, as blessings, or lessons. Some people are in your life for all of your life, and others, come and go. You need people to leave your life sometimes, as if you didn’t have those people leave, you wouldn’t have time for new people and new experiences.

Let go of the fear and face your past. For in the past, you will find the real true you. The reflections of you that you saw presented to you by the sociopath are not real true reflections. The reflections that are offered by your past will give a TRUE reflection of you.

Go careful, as the mind is powerful and it can play tricks. But it is difficult to trick you when you have returned to the safety of the past, prior to where you were before the abuse happened to you.

You are ALWAYS the whole of you. Nobody can take that away from you. As you go through life, you will grow and develop, sometimes you will experience things that will hurt and cause you pain, but this pain will give you wisdom, and help you to grow. Even if you do not see it at the time.

How far do you go back to the past?

You have to go back to where you were, BEFORE the trauma/abuse happened. Right back, however far that is. For me, this has been five years. I didn’t want to go back to where I was five years ago. I wondered how this could ever be possible. It frightened me, before 5 years ago, I had a very different life. I was meant to be a mother to a little girl. I struggled to go back to the person that i was before my daughter left my life. I saw this as FAILURE.

I saw this as not moving forward, or moving on with my life. Yet, the truth was, as it always had been, the key and the truth for me, lay in my past.

I recall returning to work after my daughter had died. I was in a worst state than I realised at that time. Not in a very good place at all. Yet there was something comforting about returning to a job that I had (at that time) held for seven years. My entire world had changed, my world was fallng apart and crumbling down. I recall thinking ‘in a changing world, it is reassuring to know that some things remain the same’.

What kind of things do you go back to?

This is about the things that are GOOD for your soul. The GOOD memories. This is the place that you know, you feel safe, you understand. It is what you TRUST. Examples of returning to the past (not inclusively)

  • Old friends (particularly those who knew you in childhood) – even if you haven’t seen them for many years
  • Family that love and care about you
  • An old career that used a particular skill, that you were good at
  • An environment or a location, if you went on holiday, or attended a particular event regularly, return there
  • Digging out old belongings – books, music, anything at all, that you haven’t seen for a long time, particularly if you haven’t seen those things since the abuse started
  • ANYTHING that gave you joy, that you loved PRIOR to meeting your abuser

Your soul doesn’t lie

You might think that you CAN’T go back there. But you can, and indeed you likely will, when you are ready. Those missing parts that you think about, when you focus on how the sociopath has RUINED your life. The sociopath cannot really ruin your life, even if you think that they have (but they will have a good try, if they want to). Nobody can ruin your life, it can, only if you allow it to.

Your soul doesn’t lie. When you think back and reminisce. When you think of all you USED to be, or all that you USED to have, it is all still there. It is just about reconnecting to it again. That sadness that you feel in your heart? You feel sad for the false empty promises, where the sociopath promised to offer to missing parts to you – but the truth was NOBODY could fulfill this, as there never was missing parts of you, even if you thought that there were.

Sneaky,crafty sociopath huh? …. master of illusion and confusion – offering to fulfill what you already had within you…. but they do this. The question is why didn’t you see this for yourself.

Begin today

I love lists. Begin today, write a list of all the things that YOU loved in your life BEFORE you met your abuser. What were the things that made you happy? Write down everything – one by one. Everything that made you PROUD to be you, everything that made you happy, everything that gave you joy.

Expect at first, to feel sad with this list. At first it is likely that you will look at this list and see all that you used to be. This, might indeed tempt you to return to your abuser. However, if someone makes you feel bad about YOU – they shouldn’t be in your life. If someone makes you feel bad about you, they are bad FOR you.

Don’t expect immediate results. It can take quite some time. Remember that it has taken some time to abuse you, traumatise you, an attempt to steal your life. Be realistic with time frames. The longer that you were abused for, the longer that it will take to reclaim you.

Believe me, you are WHOLE you always have been. The sociopath might have undertaken ruining and smear campaigns. If you have lost people out of your life because of this, this is fine, let them go. Do not try to protest, or repair those friendships, just let them go. This is in fact a blessing, even if it feels like a lesson.

Someone once told me that you can never really have more than four friends. I thought that was stupid. I had LOADS of friends. Or at least I thought I did. Truthfully I didn’t. My real true friends, would NEVER betray me. Nothing a sociopath could say or do would damage those friendships (and the sociopath would know about this too) they would instead target (to humiliate and shame you) your vulnerable friendships. Those people are not your real friends. Your real friends, lie in your past. You have experienced many events in life with them. Sometimes you might not see them for a time – this is fine, you know that you will see them again.

START SMALL – and go from there.

Please leave comments if you would like to discuss this. As I am sure that this post is written for somebody who is reading, who has been feeling stuck.

What do you miss out of your OLD life?

Do you fear going backwards?

Did you think that going backwards means failure or wasted time and life?

Sometimes in life, the key to finding you – is to go BACKWARDS as always (no matter what the sociopath would have you believe) you are the WHOLE of you.

Copyright datingasociopath.com 2014

 

 

The sound of pulsing rhytm. The secret of EMDR?

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Right now I am writing an article for my specialization. I want to see if EMDR leads to better results on neuropsychological tests and will have to dive into the theory of how EMDR works to see if my gut feeling can be right. Off course, my article will just touch upon the issue, but it will give me some ideas for research I can do in the future (I realize how much I want to know, and if I can`t find the answers in the literature, research can be done). Some ideas have already manifested themselves as I have read through books and articles, or as I simply have lived my life and noticed what happens around me.EM

Right now, I am in bed, satisfied after a good day, when one of those ideas lit up like a bonfire: What if there is a connection between EMDR, synchronity and OCD? I must explain a bit further, if this shall be meaningful at all. First of all, I recommend to read a bit about EMDR for yourself if you like (EMDR Institute) .and maybe this about Synchronicity .

My own history with EMDR:
“But sometimes, unexpectedly, grief pounded over me in waves that left me gasping; and when the waves washed back, I found myself looking out over a brackish wreck which was illumined in a light so lucid, so heartsick and empty, that I could hardly remember that the world had ever been anything but dead.”
― Donna TarttThe Goldfinch
It was a coincidence that I started to take EMDR-courses that eventually led to a certificate as an EMDR-practitioner in Sogn og Fjordane. I started to use it quite early, and had to try it on 25 patients, where one should be videotaped and shown to a supervisior, before I got the certificate. I have tried it on more than that, but I still remember the first patient because it really worked. Pieces of memories that were forgotten, came back, and I didn`t say a word! The good thing about EMDR is that you interfere little. What ever comes up, is okay, and you seldom have to say “you`r okay today”, because the patient feels this on their own.
DR
At the same time as I trained for my certificate, I read and wrote a lot. I was very inspired by  synthetic order`s blog, who writes about how we can use the unconscious to find important messages about any subject we need. I learnt to just listen to my intuition, by what I read, listened to, and felt. The theory said the answers would be there, and work themselves out, because our neurons collect a lot of information that just need to be bound together. This made sense, and when I learnt more about EMDR, it felt like one version of this theory. It felt like EMDR does exactly what synthetic order said: Bind all the pieces of information together in a meaningful way.
I have now used EMDR two years, and as I have read and thought, questions have started to manifest themselves. What is it that makes EMDR effective? Some theories point to the fact that using our working memory (when we follow movements of the finger back and forth) at the same time as we think about traumatic material, gives less Space to the unpleasant images, thereby reducing their vividness. Some theories have tried to explain it by looking at how the two hemispheres interact. What I have thought about, is if other movements have the same effect as watching fingers go back and forth. For example: Why is it that the Ocean calms us? Why can we sometimes be transfixed when we watch something that repeats itself? If we go back to the fact that Our brain needs to relax and tune out now and then, could it be that everything that pulses in a steady rhythm, calms the brain? Babies in the cradle get sleepy when they are rocked back and forth, it soothes them. If we would watch birds flying around and around, this might soothe us too. For some People repetition is necessary: Like the OCD-patient who must Wash themselves again and again. Could it be that their nervous system has a “loop” that they can`t get out of?  Might tradition come from this same need? We have to repeat certain Things to soothe our brains? What about autism, where a lot of repetition is the norm?
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Following the fingers, back and forth
This is just thoughts, and like most thoughts they are just that. But I like to think about issues like these, to see Connections between bits of information. I don`t know if any of this makes sense, but I do know that EMDR Works, and that there still is lots of Research that needs to be done before we know exactly how it Works. If somebody in here has experiences Our thoughts about repetition and rhythm, let me know!

The sound of falling

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I’m falling.

But this time, I land softly into the arms of consciousness and find immense relief in realisation; it’s one of those dreams again. It’s the one you awake to with your ribs rising and falling, taking in deep nervous breaths which gradually fade to reveal a morning replete with silence. You’re only certain you’ve roused when the colour of the walls are familiar, the ceiling is in place, and when the gentle coziness of your bed and blanket hugs you and reminds you of home.

There’s probably a soft rumbling from a car engine moving by in the distance that your ears pick up, but it’s not enough to get you out of bed. All of a sudden you’re exhausted, your legs heavy; It’s as though you’ve been running the miles your mind had flung itself in the depths of the night. It is as if I’ve been running and galloping in search of someone.

And in fact, I have.

This person’s difficult to find; he knows no fear, hardly a reflection of myself. Just yesterday I suffered the wrath of my most formidable enemy. You may shrug it off as mere flight turbulence, but ‘the fall’ or ’the drop’ is a fear unlike any other. I had seen it coming. From the comfort of the soft cushioned seat in which I reclined, I could pick up the muted patter of pelting raindrops starting to raise into a violent drumming on the airplane. There was a short sharp tremor which vibrated through the small oval windows as the plane began to shiver in the blistering cold. The stewardesses vanished from the isles with deft footsteps. Little choppy waves rose and fell in the glass of water in front of me, which sat in a holster attached to the back of a seat where a child began to cry. I closed my eyes, picturing everyone aboard the plane, doing their own thing.

But like a thief in the night,  it came without warning, hauling my heart down towards my stomach and sending it into a pounding frenzy against my chest. My vision takes a step off a ledge and enters a brief but startling plunge. It is like the moment a loose picture frame slips and slides down a wall; everything moves, and for just a split second there comes a thought that the momentary descent would never end.

Thank goodness and bless the pilots.

airplane

Somewhere encapsulated in that drop, however, someone hides. There is a boy in the moment that doesn’t fear it. He is silent, brave, but overwhelmed by the older boy’s ironic phobia. It hadn’t been in him.

There was a boy who was once young and free, and loved adventure whenever it came. Adventure camp had high ropes, and the high ropes he would conquer. When it was close to the end he knew he was going to make it. The breeze wasn’t going to push him off his feet. His hands held firm as the next rope was in sight. But as his foot left one plank to the next, the other slipped and off the course he went, downwards through the air, falling, holding on to life by a mere safety harness which he didn’t seem to bother about. The boy looked up fearlessly at the glistening sun, half eclipsed by the swaying plank he had lost his footing on, and beamed.

Maybe I’ll find him one day.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/12/16/challenge-collecting-detail/

Protected: Warm embrace

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Me, Myself & Trauma

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Do you know that feeling when you just have to write, write and write until you feel calm and normal again?
How it makes your head clearer, and less noisy? How expressing it to yourself or others with speech does not work?2014-03-10 04.37.40
I was never good at expressing myself. I had the tendency to tell a story with thousand associations that made it impossible to follow my points. I tried to nervously knit words together, but failed.
When I wrote, words finally expressed what I wanted to say. It made sense, not only to me, but to others as well. Today I think this has to do with how we need to connect logic with emotions. When I try to say something, while feeling nervous at the same time, nervousness wins, and halts the effortless stream of consciousness.
It is almost like riding a bike; If you suddenly get nervous and start to doubt if you actually remembered how to keep your balance, you might fall. The interesting thing is, I know this from experience ! When I was in Vietnam, I tried to take part in a nice bike tour through beautiful fields. It was the first time I rode a bike in years, so I felt unsteady from the start. This actually led to a comic situation!I managed to drive into a hole on a huge road with many opportunities to avoid it. Why? Because I was nervous about it. I thought: Must avoid a crisis. Must NOT steer into the hole!

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There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Just look up, and you will see it
And suddenly: There I was: Tumbling down the hillside together with my bike! The result was bewilderment, laughter and grass in my hair, and it illustrates my point: I must feel calm and them I can express whatever I want.
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Driving. When will be get there?
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Writing is like water when walking in a desert. Necessary and just what I need.
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Life is like dancing while keeping your balance


On my free time I work with "Aktiviteter i Førde"
In my free time I work with “Aktiviteter i Førde”

 

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My baby. See the blog at http://lovefreepsychology.blogspot.no for interviews and inspiration
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Stress can be healthy in certain circumstances..


Oban
Oban
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Happy! I live in the most beautiful country, so how could I not be?
This is post number 400. I like the feeling that tickles me, when I think about that. I`ve managed to write a lot, about everything from my work to personal experiences. I`ve reblogged some posts that I needed to share, and even ventured into unknown territories by writing about politics and other subjects were my knowledge is on a hypothetical level.
I love science, but i also love personal stories and the magic of small moments that can`t be researched. Science and the magic of personal experiences, is what makes life exciting. We need some general schemas (science helps with that) but they don`t work if we don`t test  them. What good is knowing that something is bad or wonderful, if you never felt those emotions?
I am so glad I have seen both good and bad, ugly and pretty, and challenged myself by exploring different belief systems.
I love to not know things, even when it scares me.
This was an uncommonly reflective post. Its one of those times where you just have to write and write, without stopping. It`s one of those times when you feel alive and calm at the same time.
This was my post number 400! Hope you enjoyed it.
Thanks to all my followers for reading and commenting. I truly appreciate it.
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