Etter å ha elska og ligge tett i dynene, som om vi prøvde å stryke avtrykka våre av ut av kroppane til den andre, gjekk eg til vindauget. Å leva sju-åtte år utan klokke, gjer noko med ein. Eg går til vindauget, sjølv om det er kveld og november. Det er noko med måten lyset ligg på som gjer at eg kan lesa tida ganske godt.
Eg kjende augene hennar i ryggen. Kanskje tenkte ho på om akkurat den ryggen er sterk nok til å bere oss gjennom det ein skal gjennom. Kanskje såg ho etter avtrykk av hendene sine.
Kva ser du?
Ho sa ikkje:
Kva ser du på?
Kvar gong ho stilte slike opne spørsmål, kjende eg på kva det var å elska. Her, denne kvelden, ved vidauget på soverommet, der det låg ein pakke Pinex og eit par øyredobber i karmen, kjende eg det og…
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This week`s been really busy, so I did not get the chance to update my blog here. Will try to start on my third part of the narrative, soon. I can just tell you, very briefly, that my ex-boyfriend survived the storm. He was safer than I thought, but while nature showed its scary face, I did not know that. I woke after a nightmare at 4.30 in the morning, checked my email with a pounding hearth, and felt relief ripping through me, when I saw everything was okay.
For people who want to see pictures, or who can read norwegian, I have updated my Norwegian blog: La vita e bella. The name stems from my love to the Italian language and culture, its a celebration of the good in life, and I am much more optimistic in that one, than in this, which is much more honest and true than my Norwegian counterpart.
So: Here it is! If you have any questions, feel free to ask 🙂
The overhead projector is making its electric sound from above my head, spitting out black letters on a white board. The theme is affect integration in psychotherapy, the Ph.D. Project of my colleague, Nils. He’s moving to Oslo very soon, leaving us others behind in the small place where I now have worked for two years. It’s Tuesday morning, and we always have some presentation then. Last Tuesday I was in the spotlight, talking about trauma and the treatment of it.
Psychology, like other sciences, have a lot of jargon that sometimes need explaining. On of these expression is what I will write about now, which also is what Nils I talking about. Integration. It’s really not an especially pretty word, it gives associations to the sounds produced when you drag some item over a blackboard. It’s not like the pretty Italian words, rolling around in the mouth and room like it belongs there, caressing the target. But it’s not always the pretty things that matter the most, sometimes the glitter and glamour is just that, with no depth or meaning. Integration is so much more than that, when you scratch the surface its real beauty comes alive.
Two threads are not necessarily pretty themselves. One white, and one black on are just that, naked in their aloneness, longing for a partner. It’s first when they get twined together, the whiteness surrounding the dark places, that it comes alive. Think about the yin and yang. What would it be if not the other color stood by it? What would the magic scene of schindlers list, where the redness screams for attention in an otherwise colorless movie, be without the grayness? This is, as I see it, an example of integration, where the whole is more and better than its parts. It’s like making good food, the ingredient in themselves doesn’t make the mouth water, it’s the combination that gives extra flavor and meaning.
With a lot of real life problems, this also applies. It’s the people comfortable in their own skin, accepting their natural tendencies and integrating it with society, that feel complete. If a puzzle is not put together in the way it’s meant, the result won’t be right. Fitting the wrong piece into the puzzle, doesn’t work. For a human this could be inhibiting natural tendencies like joy and sadness, because the integration of preferences and logic, doesn’t combine. It’s like trying to shape someone into what you want them to be, but no matter what, the picture will not be anything else than what it was supposed to be. If forced long enough, the person will try to keep the picture together, using superglue on those pieces that doesn’t slide together naturally. It’s some integration, but not the one meant to be.
In my work I see this every day: People want to feel joy, but shame stops it from surfacing, boys want to laugh and talk, but the thoughts of somebody disliking them, abort the tendency of fun in its first trimester. It’s even more noticeable after trauma, when a lot of different roles develop that make them follow a script, often without vigor or satisfaction. It’s memories kept away, true selves locked in closed boxes and lives never lived. It always pains me to watch this in reality: The wonderful woman, who carries Everyone else’s weight in addition to her own, the man in a destructive relationship who thinks he doesn’t have the right to be happy, or the child quenching her own happiness because she doesn’t dare to laugh in a house full of gloom. The feelings, needs and tendencies, doesn’t fit into the picture someone’s trying to make, and therefore they are hidden, forgotten or forced into the wrong part, since it has to go somewhere. This is the point when the integrated system break down, where fast solutions have to be executed to compensate for the losses and keeping the organism functioning in some way. It’s when the flower shreds some petals to keep from being blown over by harsh weather, and like the bee delivering the deadly sting to protect its queen. Who of us hasn’t experienced being defensive, destruction the very same things we really longed for?
Hopefully it’s never too late. Even when a completed picture has scratches and left-overs from glue for the sake of getting everything right for the second time, the picture can still be pretty and important. Isn’t it a fact that it’s the worn and torn pics on a scrapbook page we fall for. The old photos that tell a history of a life lived? I believe in integration. In putting pieces where they belong, even when they weren’t right the first time. I think that each time we let somebody just be, whoever they are, we are helping them patch up the wrongs, and even adding the little extra that self-confident people spread without knowing it. We are all small saviors, plucking harmony and tolerance and watering others with it.
- Your Map of Reality Was Written in the Womb: Falls from Grace, Chapter One – Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology and the Phenomenon of Re-Experience (apocalypseknow.wordpress.com)
Aside Posted on
The darkness from yesterday had for the time being been forgotten with the new morning coating over the bleary paint. An angel peering down from its sky of hope, would clap its hand delightfully and deliever a package of encourangement at my doorstep. I have already been outside and picked it up, delving in to the new day with vigour and a mild stroke of self-comfort over my cheek. A little joke describes some of what I`m feeling right now:
There is this guy who’s always been poor, and one day he decides to pray to God that he could win the lotto. He prays and prays, but doesn’t win. Every day, he prays to God that he could win the lotto, and it never happens.
One day, when he’s very old and frustrated, he gets on his knees and says, “Look, God. This is the last time I’m going to pray. PLEASE let me win the lotto, or at least tell me why you aren’t letting me win.”
Suddenly, an angel appears before the man and says, “Look, sir, could you do God a favor and at least BUY A LOTTO TICKET???!
Its only yourself who can grab the chance before you, which reminds me of a song from Natasha Bedingfield:
I also add a link to my last.fm page, for those interested in what a psychologist listen to (at least, THIS psychologist)
Some days feel like being a vacuum-cleaner trying to get rid of all the snow, not knowing its not what it seems to be. That feeling when darkness is safer than this world, when the things that gave joy the day before are tinted and horrible.
I had a boyfriend. He made me laugh with my heart opened and tender, loving everything fiercely. When I thought about coming home, resting in his arms, everything could be endured. The beauty was in his every word, it sent chills down my spines and made air unnecessary. I went all miles worth going, without training or help, because the finish line delivered the smile of my life. I longed for it, devoured it and lost it.
He shall know that what I am, right now broken but still strong, came from him. I could be myself, I did not care what the world thought about me because I was fine, everything was fine. I put jealousy, my faithful warder, in his own prison and kept it at bay. I drowned poison seeping though the cracks with infectious care and forgiveness. I learned that to lose control is gaining it, even if I now stand here alone.
I lost this person, who gave me his water necessary for growing. I will love him for that, and true love sometimes involves letting go.
I see you running in the fields. Flowers around you, laughter and joy. I thought it would be me, there by your side, but I tripped and lost my chance.
- If you want to follow me on twitter, you find me if you search for @ninjafighter. I mostly write in Norwegian here, but sometimes I share articles or other things related to life and psychology.
- I also have a facebook group and page called “aktiviteter in Førde”. The ideas is simple, just to find and inform all people from the town I come from, add them to the group and invite members to activities that I organize with help from other people. This because nothing much happens here, and I know several people who would like more to happen. If you think this is a good idea, start a group like it 😉 The page is: http://www.facebook.com/AktiviteterIForde if you are curious. Hope this can be an inspiration for people who want to do something for the community, the same idea as pay it forward; Do something good for others, and could get something in return
For people who read Norwegian, its possible to also read my native blog: La vita e bella (from my favorite movie, language and country)
the adress is: http://lifeisbeautfiul.blogspot.no/. You can alsofind pics there, but it will be hard to understand anything unless your from Norway. Will start on my Narrative part 3 ASAP.