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I will not kill myself, Olivia

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Some people are courageous. They struggle every day to get out of bed, and find it hard to take another breath. Living is agony, and still they do. Some even find the strength to write about it, and inspire others in the process. Danny Baker from Australia, is one of them. I am impressed and sad at the same time. Sad because he has lived with one of the deadliest health problems, but impressed that he has managed to get through it at the same time as he has chosen to give hope to others with depression. I have included one of his personal posts, and do also recommend the book “I will not kill myself, Olivia”

Depression is a Liar. It IS possible to recover and be happy again – even if you don’t believe it right now

Posted by  in Recovery From Depression on January 7, 2015
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    One of the cruelest traits of clinical depression is that it can often make you feel as if there’s no way out. It can convince you that your despair is eternal, and destined to oppress you for the rest of your days. And it’s when you’re in that horrifically black place, staring down the barrel of what you truly believe can only be a lifetime of wretched agony, that your thoughts turn to suicide.

    In that moment, it seems as if it’s the only way out.

     I’m so glad I didn’t kill myself

    Unfortunately, I know that place well. I’ve been to that place where all hope is lost, where death seems to be the only salvation. Below is an excerpt from my memoir where I write about what that was like. It was April 2010, and at the time I was a 21-year-old university student and aspiring author.

    The days dragged along. This was the worst I’d ever felt. Period. There was no relief from the ceaseless dread. I could barely function. Paying attention in class was almost impossible. Studying was too overwhelming. I’d fallen absurdly behind. I hadn’t touched my book [that I was writing] in days. I’d quit my [part-time] job at the law firm, too – needed all my free time to try and catch up on uni. But there was never enough time. I was constantly exhausted. Drained of life. Depression sucked at my soul. My spirit withered. My goal for the day got broken down even further: “just survive the next six hours,” I’d tell myself, “the next four hours. Hold off killing yourself until then.” [At which point I’d tell myself the same thing over again.]

    I’d previously thought I’d get better. I’d always thought it true that hope and depression were bitter rivals until one inevitably defeated the other, and I’d always thought that hope would win out in the end. But for the first time in my life, I was void of hope. I honestly believed that being depressed was just the way I was, and that being depressed was just the way I’d be, for the rest of my life. And because I was so convinced that I’d never get better, there seemed no point in fighting my illness. Instead of willing myself to “hang in there” because I believed that my suffering was temporary and that everything would be better one day, I comforted myself with the knowledge that human beings are not immortal. That I would die, one day. One special, glorious day. Then I could spend the rest of eternity moulding in a grave, free from pain. You might be wondering why I didn’t just kill myself if I wholeheartedly believed that my future consisted of nothing more than excruciating misery. Well, first of all, I still was not a quitter. But more importantly, I didn’t want to hurt the people that loved me.

    “It’s not fair to commit suicide and ruin their lives,” I thought. “So I have to hold on. No matter how much it hurts me I have to hold on.”

    Hence why I drew comfort from the thought that one day I’d die and finally be free.

    When you’re that depressed, that insanely and utterly depressed that you genuinely believe you’ll suffer that acutely for the rest of your days, life seems to lack all purpose.

    “After all,” I remember thinking, “what’s the point in working, fighting, striving for a better life if I’m sentenced to one of chronic anguish and despair? There is no better life. There is no life outside of pain. So what’s the point in doing anything but waiting until death finally arrives on my doorstep and whisks me away to the Promised Land?”

    I was still studying, and I still planned on finishing my novel and trying to get it published, but it was more out of force of habit than anything else. My passion had been drained. My zest for life asphyxiated. I was like a ghost, just drifting through the ghastly days.

    “Shit! What’s wrong, mate?” an old friend once said when I ran into him at uni. “Perk up, brother!”

    I was shocked. One of the most well-known attributes of depression is that it is entirely possible – and very common – to suffer horrifically without anybody knowing. But somehow without realising it, I’d crossed the line from a place where I was able to put on a front and fool people into thinking I wasn’t depressed to a place where I was so sick that it was obvious to people I hadn’t even seen for a year. When I got home I looked in the bathroom mirror, and realised that I was staring back at a man whose eyes were exhausted slits, whose whole face shrieked of agonising misery. I was staring back at a man whose spirit had been broken, whose soul had been destroyed. I was staring back at a man who, for all intents and purposes, was already dead.

    As you can see, I was so convinced that I’d never get better. I was 100% sure of it. But after a while, one of the multiple medications I’d tried started to work. I started benefiting immensely from therapy. I committed myself to eating well, sleeping well and exercising frequently. And over time, I began to recover. Towards the end of that year and throughout 2011, I also made a number of positive lifestyle changes, and by early 2012, I’d kicked my depression for good. Ever since then, I’ve been feeling great.

    And I’m hardly the only person who’s recovered from depression. I’m just one of thousands – 10s of thousands – probably millions.

    Depression is a maestro at suffocated your hope, but countless people have proved that Depression is a liar. It IS possible to recover and be happy again – even if you don’t believe it right now.

    ~~~

    DIAL 1 Text Centred (1) 1000 bigIf you enjoyed reading this post, you’d probably also like my memoir Depression Is A Liar: It IS possible to recover and be happy again – even if you don’t believe it right nowRecounting my struggle and eventual triumph over depression, I wrote it so that sufferers of the illness could realise that they’re not alone – that there are other people out there who have been through the same excruciating misery, and who have made it through to the other side. I also wrote it so that I could impart the lessons I learned on the long, rocky, winding road that eventually led to recovery – so that people could learn from my mistakes as well as my victories – particularly with regards to relationships; substance abuse; choosing a fulfilling career path; being a perfectionist; seeking professional help; and perhaps most importantly, having a healthy and positive attitude towards depression that enables recovery. Lastly, I wrote it to give sufferers hope, and to show them that no matter how much they’re struggling, that recovery is always, always possible.

    Grab your copy here.*

    https://depressionisnotdestiny.leadpages.net/iwnkm-o/

    *When you purchase a copy of my memoir, you’ll also be invited to join the Depression Is Not Destiny Private Facebook Support Group. Additionally, I will donate 10% of my royalties from the book to my charity, The Depression Is Not Destiny Foundation, which helps people who wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford it to crowdfund the cost of their therapy.

– See more at: http://dannybakerwrites.com/depression-is-a-liar-recovery-is-possible-even-if-you-cant-always-see-itblogpost/#sthash.lvtbqZcW.o4qBsLFM.dpuf

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Faces behind the mirror: The Oxymora of Me

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Loved this post, so am reblogging it here!

The Oxymora of Me

 

I’m many ways, I am a living oxymoron.  Many of my inherent personality traits consist of juxtaposed, seemingly contrary concepts.   Here are some examples:

I’m a rabble-rousing peacekeeper.

I like to ease conflict where I see it, but I’m not afraid to start an argument, either.  I believe some things are worth fighting for, and I don’t hesitate to throw myself into the brawl if I feel it will serve a larger purpose.  Still, if I can, I prefer to ease conflict where I see it, and create peace.

Where this is awesome: The corporate world.  I can hold my own, and make friends, at the same time.

Where this stinks: This blog. I want to keep the peace here, so I often tell the rabble-rouser to shush, which leads to days of silence.

I’m a minimalistic clutterbug.

I don’t put much value on material items.  I like the simple life and even when money was aplenty, I still used baking soda instead of about a hundred different products.  I see no real purpose in purchasing items just to purchase them or because of their name brand– and I love my multi-purpose goods.  Still, I like things.  I like to be surrounded by things. I like to see things in pictures, on desks, and in drawers.  I am most comfortable when there’s clutter to either side of me.

Where this is awesome:  Gain & Loss.  I maintain my happiness whether gaining stuff (I’m the easiest person in the world to gift to), or losing things (I’m the most chill person after a robbery or other such loss).

Where this stinks: Moving time.  I always end up with so much stuff.  Anything that wasn’t gifted to me ends up being tossed out, in the name of simplicity.

I’m a modern traditionalist.

I’m a traditionalist.  I write with pen and paper almost as much as I type, and my days are filled with life practices that date back centuries.  I believe in family and not letting phones get in the way of experiencing life.  I believe in the power of the spoken word– and the importance of skilled trade, and buying local, and open source.  But, I am also quite modern.  I like sleek design, e-books, and the amazing internet.

Where this is awesome: Art, from literature to paintings.  I love everything.

Where this stinks: Trying new things. I alternate between wanting to do things the old-fashioned way, and wanting to modernize things.   Either way, it’s a struggle to just… do.  At least when it’s still new.

I’m a private open book.

If you ask me a question involving only my privacy– any question– I will answer it honestly.  Really and truly.  Experiences, preferences, habits, thoughts– financial, sexual, career, childhood– whatever.  But you have to ask.  I don’t volunteer real information out all that often.  I don’t know why.  It’s just how I am.

Where this is awesome: Friendships.  People are always learning new things about me.

Where this stinks: Friendships. People are always hurt that they were the last to know something.

I’m a pessimist of faith.

I call Dave an optimistic cynic, and I’ve met a few of those folk around the web, too. (Hey, Duncan.)  I’m the opposite. I’m a pessimist of faith.  I’m a believer and I have an abundance of faith in you, and me, and the world.  But let’s just say I’m not surprised when things fall to pieces.  My little sister says that I’m always so happy to see the sun rise because I’m the sort of person who goes to sleep thinking it might not.

Where this is awesome: Worst case scenario planning.  I’m a pro.  I believe in us, so I know all our possibility– but I’m quite adept at quickly identifying all the ways we could hurl ourselves towards quick and final disaster.

Where this stinks: Best case scenario planning.  I’m just glad no one, including myself, required my assistance in wedding planning.  My last input into my own wedding before I was sent to a different room was, “What if the monk is allergic to calla lillies and needs emergency care? Is Urgent Care open on the day after Christmas?”

___________________________

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Are you an oxymoron in any way?

Falling in love (with life)

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Geotube Proposal Building, Dubai

 Brenda Telchak Photography – Architecture

Catching the Last Sunlight

      Via mina jafari                                      WeAreOne ♥ 

WeAreOne ♥

Catching the Last Sunlight

 

S.A. UNDEAD

S.A. UNDEAD • 3 days ago
~ bokeh feather ~

~ bokeh feather ~

not sure if they are flying or falling ...

Made me laugh

Welcome, Mr Anxiety. Feel completely relaxed

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Have you ever been afraid of the dark?

You’re Not The Only One

Anxiety disorders refer to a high prevalence group of problems, which include excessive levels of fear and anxiety. Anxiety is a normal reaction to stress, threat, or danger and often serves us well. It enables us to deal with threatening situations by triggering the fight/flight response so that we can take evasive action. However, it is when this response is persistent, excessive and interferes with our functioning in daily life that it is referred to as an anxiety disorder; at this point a psychologist or counselling service may be required.

  • Excessive Worry/Generalised Anxiety: This is characterized by excessive anxiety and worry lasting 6 months or more. It is accompanied by central nervous problems including bodily tension, restlessness, irritability, fatigue, poor concentration and sleep disturbance. Worries usually relate to education, work, finances, safety, social issues and often minor issues such as being on time.
  • Social Phobia/Social Anxiety: Persistent fear of situations in which we are exposed to possible scrutiny of others, such as public speaking engagements, social gatherings or communication with the opposite sex. This form of anxiety elicits fear of intenseElettroshockfinalsolution_by_LucaRossato_flickr panic in such situations and avoidance of or escape from social environments
  • Panic Attacks: This form of anxiety can manifest in sudden, intense and unprovoked feelings of terror and dread often culminating in heart palpitations, dizziness, shortness of breath and an out of control or very frightening feeling. When we suffer this disorder we generally discover strong fears about when we might experience the next panic attack and often avoid places we feel we might have a panic attack or where escape may be difficult such as movie theatres, shopping malls or social gatherings.
  • Obsessions and compulsions which are characterized by persistent, uncontrollable and unwanted feeling, thoughts or images (obsessions) and/or routines or repeated behaviors(compulsions) in which individuals engage to try and prevent or rid themselves of anxiety provoked by the obsessions. Common themes through compulsions may include repeated actions such as; washing hands or cleaning the house excessively for fear of germs or checking something over repeatedly for
    PTSD
    PTSD

    errors. When we are caught in the cycle if obsession and ritual our lives are constrained and our time otherwise used for living is consumed.

  • Post Traumatic Stress: Witnessing or experiencing a traumatic event including severe physical or emotional trauma such as a natural disaster, serious accident or crime may expose us to the risk of post traumatic stress. Post Traumatic Stress can be characterized by thoughts, feelings and behaviour patterns that can become seriously affected by reminders of events, recurring nightmares and/or flashbacks, avoidance of trauma related stimuli and chronically elevated bodily arousal. These reactions mat arise weeks even years after the event.

Anxiety treatment at Sydney Emotional Fitness also covers specific phobias, a related disorder to Panic. Specific Phobias involve marked, persistent and intense fears about certain objects or situations. Specific phobias may include things such as enclosed spaces, encountering certain animals or flying in airplanes. Exposure to the feared situation or object usually elicits a panic attack leading to a tendency to avoid the feared object.

For all information about Anxiety TreatmentPsychologist CounsellingAnger CounsellingGrief CounsellingAnger ManagementRelationship CounsellingStress Management and Depression Treatment in Sydney, or any of our services that may assist you in leading a more rewarding life please call us on 1300 790 550.

the sound of dreams

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A lot of my posts have been rather dark and gloomy, but now I want to light that up a bit with some pictures of places I dream about. I will probably not go to them this year, or maybe never, but the point is to remind myself of the good things out there, and I hope it inspires some of you too. I have so many places to still see, even if I have travelled as much as I can to countries in Europe, Asia and some in Africa (Marocco and Egypt, not sure if the last counts as it was in Hurghada). I am going to America in the autumn, and then have South-America and Australia left. Can`t wait!

Do people have recommendations for places to visit?

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