A life consists of different periods, and some of them can be tough. My last 5 months have been hard, and some of my Readers participated on my journey. I have endured every kind of bad weather, and some of you might have felt the drops on Your own skin. I have tried to tie the past, now and the future together, and have been searching for hope after the toughest break-up in my life. What I haven’t written so much about yet, is anger. Mostly I have been afraid, sad and felt lonely, or I’ve regretted mistakes I made in our relationship, but one week ago, I finally got the glimpses of annoyance, frustration and rightful anger.
The evening it happened I was in my bed after another evening thinking about what could have been. I so easily remember the things he told me, how I dreamt about having his children and wearing a beautiful dress for his sake. It was making me feel completely drained, because it could never be and I knew that. Then I also felt the first sparkles of irritation: Why should I go around thinking about everything the relationship meant to me when he hasn`t thought about us at all after we ended it? Why give him so much attention ? I know that if he thought about us, it was just the bad memories, so how could I make myself suffer by thinking about him all the time? There in my bed I felt the need to change this, I needed to feel stronger and more like ME. I felt it was my right to get what I dream of without pain, like it was for him. In my head I have been bowing before his feet, looking down in shame. I said to myself: ENOUGH! And the afraid, little girl, so needy, grew in my minds eye. Suddenly I was a giant, and he was just a small dot down there, that couldn`t hurt me anymore. If I wanted, I could rub the stain that he was, away, and stand taller than ever. I gave myself steel armor and a gold shield. I permitted imprtant people to stand there beside me, placing their arm on my shoulder and promising me that I was more than good enough. I thought that if he couldn’t see my good sides it is his loss, and there and then I didn’t bother how hard he tried to hurt me. I simply didn`t care anymore, and if felt so good.
We need to grow, ground ourself firmly in the earth and act like we deserve the place we inhabit . We are Our own worst enemies, when we choose to believe that rejection means you’re bad. We think the thoughts that can destory us.
The anger was welcome, and I saw it was necessary. I’m still not a 100 % over him, but I can feel how close I am getting. Sometimes I smell the roses on the other side of the fence, as if they grow inside of me. It’s knowing that people can be thorns, but you are the one who pick them up. When an electric shock spreads through you after touching an electrical fence, you knew it could happen. I don’t want to complain, but sometimes it’s okay to feel that life can be hard, and anger can protect you from being treated wrong again.
Some days feel like being a vacuum-cleaner trying to get rid of all the snow, not knowing its not what it seems to be. That feeling when darkness is safer than this world, when the things that gave joy the day before are tinted and horrible.
I had a boyfriend. He made me laugh with my heart opened and tender, loving everything fiercely. When I thought about coming home, resting in his arms, everything could be endured. The beauty was in his every word, it sent chills down my spines and made air unnecessary. I went all miles worth going, without training or help, because the finish line delivered the smile of my life. I longed for it, devoured it and lost it.
He shall know that what I am, right now broken but still strong, came from him. I could be myself, I did not care what the world thought about me because I was fine, everything was fine. I put jealousy, my faithful warder, in his own prison and kept it at bay. I drowned poison seeping though the cracks with infectious care and forgiveness. I learned that to lose control is gaining it, even if I now stand here alone.
I lost this person, who gave me his water necessary for growing. I will love him for that, and true love sometimes involves letting go.
I see you running in the fields. Flowers around you, laughter and joy. I thought it would be me, there by your side, but I tripped and lost my chance.