Death

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15 years ago 

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15 years ago my best friend died after a car hit her. She was on her way to school, probably walking while dreaming about her future. About the things she wanted to do, the day coming up. Off course, I don’t know this. But I knew her. I know she lived her life everyday, without fear. She had just had her 16th birthday, one week before she died. Almost an adult, but with so many years in front of her. 

People say that often the best people die first. I know this is a cliche, and that sometimes we forget the negative after someone dies. But I know the reality of what we experienced together. How she made me laugh about anything. Forgetting the people around us, making me feel so happy. I remember her smile, her wisdom beyond her years.

I never forgot her. I also couldn’t stop the pain of feeling torn in two. The tears that never stopped, the funeral where I sang for her. Where I went to the front of the church to tell her how much she meant to me. The way I couldn’t cope with others smiling, laughing together. How dark the world got, my nightmares. 

Today she is still there. The guilt over me surviving when she didn’t. And her voice, telling me not to be stupid. That she wants me to live life to the fullest. That I owe her to experience the things I couldn’t.

I will never forget you. And I’m glad. I’m glad for every second we spent together. 

The sound of falling into the grave 

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Have you ever been close to death? If you have, you might have experienced how time can stretch out, giving you time to think and react in an almost impossible way. People who’re in car accidents describe how their whole life  are replayed in their mind, in mere seconds. A million of thoughts soar through them at the same time, and milliseconds feels like minutes. 

One day many years ago I feel into a grave. Not an ordinary grave, but a hole in the ground used to fix buses. At that time, I was in a relationship with an employee at a bus company, were he repaired buses. On that particular day, I joined him at work, and wanted to explore his work place. He was immersed in repair-work, so I started to get bored from waiting for him to finish. I said I would take a round inside the building, and would be back soon. He nodded his agreement absentmindedly, and I started to walk around. My eyes took in the fascinating place around me, but I didn’t look beneath me. It was completely dark, just some lights from the windows. My steps echoed in the hall that was empty except for busses. I was so intrigued by it all, that I just kept on going, taking it all in. I remember clearly my last step before I fell. Suddenly there was nothing under my feet, and I started plunging to what I thought would be my death. Time stopped and began at the same time. I was flooded with memories and thoughts that were surprisingly clear. I saw my brother, and knew he would miss me when I was gone. At the same time I thought: ‘What happened?’ and ‘How far down is it, will I die?’. I had no time to be scared, I was more shocked than terrified. It felt like I fell forever, so I thought I was falling really far and that I would hit the ground and break my neck. After what was merely a second, I hit the bottom with a thud. 

I was so surprised that I still lived. Relief flooded through me at the same time as I wondered if this was heaven. But heaven was awfully dark, so I hoped I might still be on earth and not in the ever-after. Is this how Alice felt when she fell into the rabbit hole? 

My boyfriend had heard the thump, and while I was still in the land of confusion, he came running towards the grave. I don’t quite remember how he got me out of it, but I remember the relief. I was really still here, and I was unharmed. Somehow my body had reacted automatically, and protected me from the impact. My leg hurt a little, but I was actually smiling and felt no pain. Adrenaline was still pumping, making me feel more alive than I’ve ever been. 

It is strange how much can happen in just one second.

  

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7 books that will change how you see the world

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I found this post on stumbleupon, and wanted to share it here. I have just read one of the books (antifragile), but heard about three of them before. The books look interesting, especially the first and last one. Hopefully I will have the chance to read them both this year!

Here comes the list:

Stumbling on Happiness

by Daniel Gilbert

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What It’s About:

Gilbert is a famous Harvard psychologist who has a knack for coming up with zany experiments that show just how flawed and biased the human mind is. In the book, he shows you time and again that as humans, we inaccurately judge, among other things, what made us happy in the past, what will make us happy in the future, and even what is making us happy right at this moment.

In fact, decades of Gilbert’s research on happiness all points to the same unsettling fact: happiness has little to do with what happens to us in our lives, and more to do with how we end up choosing to see things.

Gilbert’s theory is that we each have a “psychological immune system,” basically a bullshit generator where our minds explain away our past experiences, our future projections and our current situations in such a way that we always maintain a baseline level of mild happiness.1 And it’s when this “immune system” fails that we fall into prolonged depression and/or existential crises.

Notable Quotes:

“We treat our future selves as though they were our children, spending most of the hours of most of our days constructing tomorrows that we hope will make them happy… But our temporal progeny are often thankless. We toil and sweat to give them just what we think they will like, and they quit their jobs, grow their hair, move to or from San Francisco, and wonder how we could ever have been stupid enough to think they’d like that. We fail to achieve the accolades and rewards that we consider crucial to their well-being, and they end up thanking God that things didn’t work out according to our shortsighted, misguided plan.”

On The Genealogy of Morals

by Friedrich Nietzsche

genealogy

What It’s About: On The Genealogy of Morals is perhaps his shortest and most influential work, was starkest of all. In three essays totaling around 100 pages, he lays out the following:

  1. In any population, you are going to have a group of people who are more talented/gifted/intelligent than average. Let’s call them The Strong. You are also going to have a group of people who are less talented/gifted/intelligent than average. Let’s call them The Weak.2
  2. The Strong will naturally accrue the power in society for no other reason than they are more capable and talented than the others.
  3. Because The Strong won their greater power and influence through outsmarting or outperforming others, they will come to adopt ethical beliefs that justify their position: that might makes right, that they are entitled to their privileged position, that they earned what is theirs. Nietzsche calls this “Master Morality.”
  4. Because The Weak lost their power and influence by being outsmarted and outperformed, they will come to adopt ethical beliefs that justify their position: that people deserve aid and charity, that one should give away one’s possessions to the less fortunate, that you should live for others and not yourself. Nietzsche calls this “Slave Morality.”
  5. Master/Slave Moralities have been in a kind of tension in every society for all of recorded history. Many political/social conflicts are side effects of the struggle between Master and Slave Moralities.
  6. Nietzsche believed that the ideas of guilt, punishment and a “bad conscience” are all culturally constructed and used by The Weak to chip away at the dominance and power of The Strong. He also believed that Slave Morality is just as capable of corrupting and oppressing a society as Master Morality. He used Christianity as his primary example of this.
  7. Nietzsche believed that Slave Morality stifled man’s greatest characteristics: creativity, innovation, ambition, and even happiness itself.

Notable Quotes:

“Above all, there is no exception to this rule: that the idea of political superiority always resolves itself into the idea of psychological superiority.”

“Without cruelty, there is no festival.”

Umm... dude, there's something living on your face.
Umm… dude, there’s something living on your face.
Antifragile: Things That Gain From Disorder

by Nassim Taleb

antifragile

Some of the most important points in the book:

  1. Often the most influential events in history are, by definition, the least anticipated. These are called “Black Swan” events.5
  2. As humans, we are inherently biased against noticing both the amount of random events in our lives, and the impact these random events have on us.
  3. That due to the exponential scaling of technology, Black Swan events are becoming more common and influential than ever before.
  4. Therefore, we should build up systems (and ourselves) to be “antifragile,” that is, to construct our lives and our societies in such a way as to benefit from major unanticipated events.

Notable Quotes:

“Antifragility is beyond resilience or robustness. The resilient resists shocks and stays the same; the antifragile gets better.”

“The irony of the process of thought control: the more energy you put into trying to control your ideas and what you think about, the more your ideas end up controlling you.”

“Difficulty is what wakes up the genius.”

The True Believer by Eric Hoffer

believer

What It’s About: The True Believer discusses why people give in to fanaticism, fundamentalism or extremist ideologies.

Notable Quotes:

“The game of history is usually played by the best and the worst over the heads of the majority in the middle.”

“The less justified a man is in claiming excellence for his own self, the more ready is he to claim all excellence for his nation, his religion, his race or his holy cause.”

“Freedom aggravates at least as much as it alleviates frustration. Freedom of choice places the whole blame of failure on the shoulders of the individual. And as freedom encourages a multiplicity of attempts, it unavoidably multiplies failure.”

Sigmund Freud

freud

What It’s About: Freud was an academic sensation at the beginning of the 20th century. He invented psychoanalysis, brought the science of psychology to the mainstream, and was highly regarded in intellectual circles around Europe. Then World War I broke out, and destroyed everything. Freud was deeply moved by the devastation and fell into a deep depression and secluded himself for much of the 1920s. Civilization and Its Discontents was the result of this depression.

To Freud, Hitler and World War II just proved his point a few years later. And as an Austrian Jew, he ran for the hills. The hills being London, of course. He lived out the last years of his life in a city being bombed into oblivion.

Notable Quotes:

“It is impossible to overlook the extent to which civilization is built up upon a renunciation of instinct.”

“A love that does not discriminate seems to me to forfeit a part of its own value, by doing an injustice to its object.”

The Singularity is Near: When Humans Transcend Biology

by Ray Kurzweil

The-Singularity-Is-Near

What It’s About: In the beginning of The Singularity is Near, Kurzweil shows that the processing power of computers and technology has increased exponentially through history and is likely to continue doing so.

He then argues that because of this, in the year 2046 all of our brains are going to be digitally encrypted and uploaded to the cloud where we will all form a single, immortal consciousness that will control all computing power on the planet.

The technological possibilities presented in this book are truly mind-boggling. And we will undoubtedly see a significant percentage of them in our lifetime. Medical nanobots that live in the blood stream that we wireless upload vaccines to. Genetic programming for newborns so parents can choose not only the physical characteristics of their children but their talents as well. Uploading and downloading consciousness onto the internet, so that you could download somebody else’s life experiences as your own the same way you downloaded the last season of Breaking Bad.

As Neo once said:

Notable Quotes:

“One cubic inch of nanotube circuitry, once fully developed, would be up to one hundred million times more powerful than the human brain.”

“Can the pace of technological progress continue to speed up indefinitely? Isn’t there a point at which humans are unable to think fast enough to keep up? For unenhanced humans, clearly so. But what would 1,000 scientists, each 1,000 times more intelligent than human scientists today, and each operating 1,000 times faster than contemporary humans (because the information processing in their primarily non-biological brains is faster) accomplish? One chronological year would be like a millennium for them. What would they come up with?”

The Denial of Death

by Ernest Becker

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What It’s About: Speaking of being afraid of dying… Here’s The Denial of Death in a nutshell:

Because man is the only animal capable of conceptualizing his own existence — thinking about his life, questioning it, imagining future possibilities — man is therefore also the only animal capable of conceptualizing his own non-existence, i.e., his own death.

In other words, humans were given the gift of being able to imagine the future and who we want to be, but the price we pay for this gift is the realization that we will one day die. A dog doesn’t realize she’s going to die. Neither does a fish. Or a roach. But we do.

This knowledge of our own inevitable death leads to a kind of ever-present “terror” that underlies everything we do. Becker argues that this terror inspires us all to take on what he calls a “hero project,” where we attempt to immortalize ourselves through our deeds and actions, to create something bigger than ourselves that will live beyond our own lives.

It’s when people’s hero projects contradict one another that we get conflict, violence, bigotry, and evil. It’s when hero projects fail that we fall into deep despair and depression because we’re once again confronted with the inevitability of our own death and meaninglessness of our lives.7

Notable Quotes:

“Man cannot endure his own littleness unless he can translate it into meaningfulness on the largest possible level.”

“The irony of man’s condition is that the deepest need is to be free of the anxiety of death and annihilation; but it is life itself which awakens it, and so we must shrink from being fully alive.”

“What does it mean to be a self-conscious animal? The idea is ludicrous, if it is not monstrous. It means to know that one is food for worms. This is the terror: to have emerged from nothing, to have a name, consciousness of self, deep inner feelings, an excruciating inner yearning for life and self-expression and with all this yet to die. It seems like a hoax, which is why one type of cultural man rebels openly against the idea of God. What kind of deity would create such a complex and fancy worm food?”

Photo credit: The Eternal Perspective 

watching you build an elaborate Lego set called “Life,” and you turning around and saying, “Stop laughing, this is important!”

Read This Book If…

…you plan on dying one day. …you think you take life a little bit too seriously sometimes and need to chill. …you want to read a convincing argument for why we should embrace our pain and our fear rather than avoid it.

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The sound of crying across the universe

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I can`t believe it.

I won`t believe it.

My fellow blogger and friend passed away. There are no words other than I truly appreciated how special she was.

Her boyfriend wrote this on Nov12:

Nicole passed away on October 21, 2013. I don’t have the energy to write much at this time. She is all I think about. We were together for 14 years. I have embedded a video Nicole created about her and I. I have also posted some photos of her. Also included are a few links of some of our videos, writings, photography, etc. I love and miss her more than I could ever explain in words.

Links:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/exploringthelateral/

http://forfreepsychology.wordpress.com/author/nikotheorb/

http://nikotheorb.wordpress.com/

http://www.youtube.com/user/NIKOtheOrb

SanctaSanctorum (4)
reaching for the sky
Butterfly
I miss you

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Meditative
She touched so many hearts

Heaven. Is that where you are? Or are you floating across the universe, like your thoughts once were?

My words are silent. My compassion needs a hug. My tears need somewhere to fall.

She`s gone.

Niko is gone. Only her words linger on:

Feel The Sun

Engaging with the aspects of the world that are conducive to an evolution of synergy with the environment [whatever that environment may be] through music, video, writing, and photography. Spreading the seeds of consciousness and positive living seen through a lens of deep philosophy, deep ecology, poetry, creative writing, photography, artwork, and motion picture. Spreading the seeds of positivity, love, peace, spirituality, natural energy, the idea that we are all Ones within One trying to get by in this life with as little damage as possible to the self and others, the unmasking of the ego so that we can embark upon the next phase of human/technological evolution.

For should we not all be willing believers that the sky is not the limit, but limitless and boundless and that all human relationships can be the same? We are all children of the universe, the time has come that we act like it.

I am diagnosed and live with SchizoAffective Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; however, I try not to let these leash the weirdo within. I try to use my diagnoses to further unleash my weirdness. :-)

A miracle. Is gone.

The sound of death

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When I started this blog, I had a vague idea of what I wanted: To share some of the knowledge collected over a lifetime with the readers, and maybe find others who wanted to do the same. I love to find and share post I find inspirational.

Suicide is a topic that never can be talked enough about. Psychologists in Norway are taught (but not enough) to ask questions related to killing yourself, and most luckily take this seriously. Most therapists will once in their lives lose a client (I am dreading when it happens to me) and it is a real trauma when and if it happens. I have talked with therapists who have lost somebody, and they never forget it. Considering how much I care for many of my patients, I know how much it would hurt if they were not here anymore, and I have seen and read enough to know that the pain never seizes completely. For this reason everything I learn that can make me a better therapist, is extremely valuable. For this reason, I want to share some interesting research I`ve stumbled into lately.

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In 2003, during his first year teaching at Harvard, Nock approached his colleague Mahzarin Banaji with a proposal. Banaji had helped develop the Implicit Association Test, which was introduced to social psychology five years earlier and has become famous for its ability to measure biases that subjects either don’t care to acknowledge or don’t realize they have on topics like race, sexuality, gender and age. Nock wondered if the I.A.T. could be configured to measure people’s bias for and against being alive and being dead, and Banaji thought it was worth a try. They experimented with several versions in Nock’s lab and at the psychiatric-emergency department at Mass General. Then they put their best one on a laptop and offered it to Mass General patients, many of whom had recently threatened or attempted suicide; 157 agreed to take it. Hunched in plastic waiting-room chairs or propped up in cots as they waited for a clinician to admit or discharge them, they were often grateful for a distraction.

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Some things are automatic for us. Why not use this knowledge ?

Balancing the computer on their thighs, the patients held their pointer fingers over left and right keyboard keys. The heading “Life” appeared in the upper left corner of the screen, “Death” in the upper right. In the center, words associated with one of the headings popped up one at a time. Patients jabbed the left key to link “alive,” “survive,” “breathing,” “thrive” and “live” with “Life”; the right key matched “funeral,” “lifeless,” “die,” “deceased” and “suicide” with “Death.” The researchers asked the volunteers to do this as quickly as they could. Each word had a correct response. If patients put “thrive” with “Death,” for instance, a red X appeared, and the test paused until they hit the proper key. The sorting continued as the words reappeared randomly. After about a minute, the headers switched sides, and the process repeated. Then new rubrics popped up — “Me,” “Not Me” — along with new words to sort: “self,” “I,” “myself,” “my,” “mine,” “other,” “theirs,” “they,” “them,” “their.” Again the headers flipped places, and the sorting continued.

Once the patients had established a rhythm, the test began to measure bias. The headers doubled up: “Life” above “Me” and “Death” above “Not Me,” forcing test-takers to hit the same button to group “thrive” and “breathing” with “self,” “my” and “myself.” “Die” and “funeral” went with “theirs,” “they,” “them.” Theoretically, the faster the patients were and the fewer mistakes they made on this part of the test, the more they associated themselves with living.

Then “Life” and “Death” switched places, swapping the associations; the same key grouped “myself” and “my” with “funeral,” “suicide,” “die,” “deceased.” Agility on this part of the test would suggest an association with dying.

Doctors of all kinds, including psychologists, do no better than pure chance at predicting who will attempt suicide and who won’t. Their patients often lie about their feelings to avoid hospitalization. Many also appear to mislead by accident, not realizing they are a risk to themselves or realizing but not knowing how to say so. Some 90 percent of young people who kill themselves have visited their primary-care doctors within a year; nearly 40 percent of adults have within a month. The opportunity to help them seems enormous, if only there were a way to see past appearances and identify an inclination they might be hiding — perhaps even from themselves.

dontrainThe Mass General patients and their clinicians rated on separate scales how likely they thought they were to try to kill themselves in the future. When researchers checked on each patient six months later, they discovered that, as expected, clinicians had fared no better than 50-50 in their predictions. Patients themselves, it turned out, were only slightly more accurate. The I.A.T., to everyone’s surprise, bested them both. People who sorted words more quickly when “Death” was paired with “Me” than with “Not Me” proved three times as likely to try to kill themselves as people who sorted words more quickly when “Life” was paired with “Me.” The I.A.T., it seemed, was picking up a heightened signal of suicidal tendencies that the most commonly used method for assessing risk — a clinical interview — had been powerless to detect.

One of the comment (there were many)  to this post was:

A letter written by my daughter,16,on tumbler

Dear you,

i’ve been there, okay? i’ve been in the position you are right now. you want to do it, you want everything to end. you think that this world is going to be so much better without you. you think that it won’t matter if you’re gone. you figure people can just go on with their lives, and eventually you’ll be nothing but a memory. it’s better for yourself, and everyone around you.
i’m here to tell you that you’re dead wrong.
Suicide is never the answer. Even though it may feel like the one thing you have control over, the one thing you can take, you can never take it back. There are no do overs. You can’t commit, die, and then decide you want to be back here again. It doesn’t work that way.
Your mom’s smile slowly withers away after the years of your passing. She clamps her hand over her mouth as she rereads those same familiar words, “It’s not your fault, Mom.” Even though she wants to believe you, she can’t.
Remember the guy who would never cry? That was your father. But that was the past. He needs to convince everyone—and himself—that he’s okay. He constantly thinks about what would have happened if he walked into your room, only a half hour before it happened. In his mind,it was his fault.
Remember.You are beautiful. I don’t need to see a photo of you to know that. You’re so much more than what you’ve become. You are so loved.
Stay strong. Keep holding on. Everything is going to be okay.

With love,

Me