Disorders

Sociopath and the confusion of kindness

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Sociopath and the confusion of kindness

One thing that can confuse victims of sociopaths is their ability to ‘be kind’. Just as you have decided that you have had enough, that you want to leave, and to get out of this abusive, controlling relationship, the sociopath switches, and becomes ‘Mr kind’ ‘Mr caring’ and ‘Mr compassionate’ . This is often much to the annoyance of those who have been supporting you to leave. As now, you are at risk of being lured back in by the sociopath.

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Any ordinary person, even an abused one, will get to the point where they have to leave for the sake of their own sanity. Nobody can endure being hurt over and over.

A sociopath will sense when he is losing control. He will sense when he is about to lose you, and therefore lose his source of supply. You are hurt, damaged, and you desperately want your inner hurt and pain to go away. But you stand firm, you try to retain No Contact, you try to be kind to yourself.

The sociopath will realise that berating you, is getting nowhere and that he is losing his grip of control over you. Perhaps you have decided to have nothing to do with him, that you are establishing no contact and bringing others into your life for support.

A sociopath is always able to read you, to assess you, to analyse you. And when he feels that he is losing grip of his latest victim, he can then be unbelievably kind. You will start to question your own judgement. You read the DSM list of criteria for sociopaths. Kindness is not listed, so you reason, perhaps you are wrong? Maybe he isn’t a sociopath after all?

What the sociopath is doing is returning back to stage two – Seducing/Gaming. If you recall I wrote earlier how there are three stages with a sociopath. And he can revert back to earlier stages, if he hasn’t yet finished with you, and you still have further use to him. The three stages are:

  • Assessment
  • Gaming/seducing
  • Ruining

It is important to stick with what you feel. To write down what is happening to you. Listen to your inner self, and your gut feeling. You might feel that because the sociopath is being kind and that perhaps you have it wrong? That he isn’t a sociopath after all?

You are being lured back into the fairy tale of who you want him to be, that person who in your mind, you fell in love with, but who didn’t exist. He is now about to sell you the fairy tale for the second time.

So far, I have discussed how you are feeling, and how this makes you feel, and how this confuses you.

What you feel, is maybe he does love me? He seems to care about my welfare, and how I am feeling? Maybe your assessment of him is wrong, and he isn’t actually a sociopath? You start to breathe a sigh of relief. Now you can return to the illusion you had before. He is actually a normal person, not a sociopath.

For the sociopath, it is not about how you are feeling. He is not thinking about your needs, or your welfare, neither does he care how much you are hurting (although it might seem that way).  To return to the motive for the sociopath (remember that the sociopath ALWAYS has a motive), what he is thinking is either:

  • He is losing a source of supply he does not want to lose
  • Or you have ended things on your terms, he does not like this loss of control, and wants to end things on his terms

If you were to return to the sociopath when he is being kind, if you were to listen to the sociopath and his glib, false empty promises, things will shortly return to the way that they were before.

Whilst his kindness might give you a temporary relief of pain and hurt that you are feeling. It will, once you are trusting him again, and allowing him control over you and your life, return to the abusive relationship that you were in before.

Nothing will ever change. The sociopath cannot change. His brain is wired differently. He cannot help but manipulate and deceive. Trust your judgement, and do not be temporarily blinded to acts of kindness, it is tempting to do so, as we do not want  to realise that the person we were involved with was a different person to who we thought. We want our judgment about him to be wrong. We want it not to be true, but it is true. The sooner that you come to terms with this, the quicker you can heal.

Unfortunately, with a sociopath, it is the way that he is. Whilst things might be ok for a while, service would soon resume as normal. His need for control is overwhelming, acting kind, is manipulating you, and just another way for you to be controlled.

Remember that the sociopath is master of disguise, and will do and say anything to get what he wants. Being kind is another manipulation tool that is used when he either wishes to lure you in, in the beginning, or to lure you back when he feels that he is losing you.

Words © datingasociopath.com

 

The sound of turning around

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National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I found this on the web and really loved it

Joy Turns to Pain When You Flip Over These Clever Suicide-Prevention Ads Real message is upside down

By  David Gianatasio

Publicis’s poignant print ads for suicide-prevention group Samaritans of Singapore use ambigrams to give upbeat messages negative meanings when viewed upside down. “I’m fine” becomes “Save me,” “Life is great” morphs into “I hate myself” and “I feel fantastic” reads “I’m falling apart.” The tagline, “The signs are there if you read them. Help us save a life before it’s too late,” is also printed upside down. The campaign does a fine job of depicting the subtle, often hidden nature of depression and anxiety disorders. It’s novel for the category, taking an approach that’s clever enough to generate broad coverage, extending the message far beyond its original market. Perhaps those reading about this work will question declarations of happiness from friends and family members that don’t quite ring true. The writing may be on the wall, but sometimes you’ve got to look at things in a different way to avert disaster.

samaritans-hed-2013 (1)
I feel fantastic or I`m falling apart
Samaritans-2
“Life is great” or “I hate myself”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Samaritans-3
“I`m fine” or “save me

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