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The Night I Gave up On Life

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The Night I Gave Up On Life

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I don’t quite know why I am sharing this extremely personal story with you now, except that there is a little voice pushing me to let it out, and I am acting on that.

This story might be upsetting for some and it might make others feel angry and for that I apologise.

I want to tell you about the night I gave up on life.

It was back in 1990, my life looked as if it was going well, I had a lot of friends, I had a decent job, I had travelled a bit, I had good looks, I had money in my pocket, the works.  The thing is I wasn’t all that happy and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why I was unhappy inside.  I used to fantasize about ending my life, it was actually a real comfort to know that I had the choice of living or dying.

I used to plan how I was going to end my life so as it would look like an accident to lessen the pain on my family, my favourite fantasy was jumping off a tall building.

One night, I was working in a bar and I was walking the 2 mile walk home late at about 1am.  The rain could be heard thundering down onto the pavements.  I was walking slowly in the rain as I liked the feel of rain against my skin.  I noticed in the distance a dog, and it was limping quite heavily.  When the dog got closer, I noticed the dog had only 3 legs as it ran past me.  For no reason, I started crying uncontrollably as I felt so sorry for this dog.  I couldn’t get the dog out of my mind the next day, and wondered why I was so upset by it.  I realised I felt like the dog: alone, soaked, not fully functional and nowhere to go.

A few nights later I decided that the jacket of life no longer fitted me and I was taking the jacket off for good.  I said goodnight to my mum and dad, I called my sisters earlier on to tell them I loved them.  I took 26 strong sleeping tablets up to my bedroom after telling my dad not to wake me up in the morning for work as I had a days holiday.  I sat in bed with the tablets, a glass of milk and cried as I took each tablet.  I cried for my mum, and at how heartbroken she would be, I cried for my dad as I had only told him I loved him once in my life.  I cried for my sisters as I would miss them terribly and knew they would miss me.  I took all 26 tablets and put my head on my pillow to die.  I am crying as I write this just now.

I can’t quite remember when I woke up, I was in hospital and two of my friends were there with my mum and dad and sisters.  I had been unconscious, I honestly don’t know how long as I have never spoken of this to my family since.  The morning after I had taken the tablets my dad was up for work as normal.  He didn’t wake me up as I had told him not to, however he heard a bang when he got up at around 5am.  Apparently I had fallen out of bed.  That fall , and my dad hearing it, saved my life, I believe.

When I woke up in the hospital there was a lot of crying, a lot of questions and a lot of explaining.  The hospital psychiatrist came round and asked if I needed help.  I told her I knew why I had done it and I was going to rectify the issues in my life.  I felt ashamed, guilty, upset and angry at myself at having to put my family through something as awful as this just because I didn’t have the balls to sort out some of my problems.

I didn’t feel I fitted into life, with the friends I had, the job, just everything.  What did I do? I started over.  I dropped my friends as I realised they were drinking buddies and not friends, I changed my job, I upgraded my skills, I got my finances sorted out and moved to another city.  I have never looked back since and I have been on a quest ever since to find myself and share the knowledge I have with others.

Lessons From That Night

Nothing and I mean nothing is so bad that you have to take your own life.  There are always options and if the worst comes to the worst, drop everything and start again.  If you are in this situation just now, please believe me when  I say it will get better and there are people who can help.

I’ve learned to tell others how much I love them and how much I appreciate them.

I’ve learned to look for the signs that others might need help.

I mentioned earlier the jacket did not fit, what I realised when I awoke in the hospital was that the jacket can be altered to fit me and I didn’t have to fit the jacket.

I have learned so much more over the years since that night and my long standing depression was lifted in one decision – I will change my life to suit me.

Filed Under: Psychology Tagged With: 
About Steven Aitchison
I am the creator of Change Your Thoughts (CYT) blog and love writing and speaking about personal development, it truly is my passion. There are over 500 articles on this site from myself and some great guest posters.
If you want to learn more about my products you can check out Steven Aitchison’s Productsor check out my books and Kindle books on Amazon

(some) Comments. I have taken away many on this repost, all comments can be found at the original page

    • That really sums up what suicide really is to other people and I think it is a true statement.

      I am really touched with all the personal stories and also the support, I was expecting a lot of people to really condemn this.

      Thanks you for your comment Mary.

  1. Takes alot of courage to share that with everyone…

    Thank you for sharing your lessons.

    -Rishi

  2. mary says:

    Thanks to your dad for hearing the bang on the floor because otherwise you wouldn’t be able to share yourself and your story to help others. We are all grateful.

    • Hi Mary, The good thing that has came out of this is that I tell me family every time I speak to them that I love them, more so my mum and two sisters but I have told my dad on many occasions as well :)

  3. Hi Steven.

    You are real strong now. Who would point out something like this? Very few people would even think to. It’s easy to look at it from our view as a potent article, but it is completely different to choose to write it and then write it. It makes us stronger just to read it.

    One aspect we see is CYT, and CYT would not be here without one individual. We see CYT as a strong presence, and have to remember the strong individual behind it.

    I have told folks “Steven Aitchison from Change Your Thoughts said [X] and [Y]” sometimes. I say it in a way that leads folks to assume that I see you as a powerhouse.

    Many people have thoughts similar to the ones you had, and some acted as you had, but so few will mention it at a later time.

    “the jacket can be altered to fit me and I didn’t have to fit the jacket”

    You lose nothing when you mention something important like this, but some of us will see this and then still keep our important things hidden. Maybe it is needed that we get that feeling that we can’t help but point them out.
    .-= Armen Shirvanian´s last blog ..Team Up With A Partner To Make Progress =-.

    • Armen, I can’t begin to tell you how much I have appreciated your support and writing over the last few months. I really appreciate your kind words. You are right in that I am strong, always have been, I just didn’t realise it at times, just like so many others as well.

  4. Jink says:

    Dear Steve, you are a delight and I am so glad you are here. Your writing on your blog- and now you- are important to me (way down in Australia) . Thanks heaps for sticking around and for your bravery in posting this!

  5. Gareth

    • HI Gareth. I will always regret doing what I did because of the pain it caused to my family so I know where you’re coming from with regards to your friend.

      Thanks for commenting Gareth and sharing a part of your own story.

  6. Shaznaym says:

    Steven, Thank you for sharing your story. It is truely incredible that you eventually realised what your issues were.

    I too, went through something similar. I was not happy with life or the life that I had although I had everything too.

    What was getting me down was that I was in a relationship I was not happy in, plus I had found out I was pregnant. I was unhappy because I had no close friends (Due to my relationship) and was increasingly sad. I took pills, but not enough to do me or my baby damage. It was more a cry for help.

    After that, I realised I needed to change my life. After my son was born, I ended my relationship with his dad and started going to church. This was exactly what I needed at that time and it has changed me forever. I made the right friends and had a hectic social life which I loved. It also helped me to find me. What I liked and disliked, how I wanted my life to be, not what everyone else wanted my life to be. I had the time to do a lot of soul searching.

    Everyone is now amazed at my strength and courage now , but I guess in life, we have to go through these rough times to get the strengh to overcome them.

    Thank you again for sharing. I hope it helps many people out there who are going through trials and need a wake-up call. Ending your life is never the best way.

  1. […] wrote a very personal and powerful post about The Night I Gave Up On Life at his site Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life. “A few nights later I decided […]

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Protected: The sound of five years

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How Important Dads Can Be For Their Children

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By now most scientists agree that humans are a product of both genes and environment, working together. Even if genes might influence our personality, the situation around us can mold and shape it until we have become ourselves. An interesting question when it comes to this, is what influences us in the environment, so that we know what to do when something goes wrong.

The following video will focus on research that explore how fathers influence their kids and shape what choices they take later in life. For example, research shows that girls who have a good relationship with her father, chooses partners with similar personalities, and who actually LOOK the same. More, women who have her partner present while giving birth, and who touches her, release more oxytocin that relieve pain, having an easier child-birth. Moreover, no matter how much testosterone a man has before they become fathers, levels drop to one-third when they hold the newborns in their arms. This and more in the video below.

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http://www.nature.com/scitable/knowledge/library/both-environment-and-genetic-makeup-influence-behavior-13907840

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This Day, Your Choice

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Source: agoodthinghappened.com via Carol on Pinteres

Good morning

No matter what you see when you open your eyes: A man snoring happily in his sleep, a roof from 1953, bottles from yesterday, a terrible mess that have to be cleaned, a stylish expensive room, thin greasy paper walls, or just your dreams lingering on, it is your life. Right now, this is what it consists of. But what you don`t know is how the rest of the day will be. Sure, you might have plans, but do you know who you might smile to? The things you can see along the way? The friend you could call, the words you can read ? The idea you might get? The food that will touch your taste buds, nerve cells bringing the news to the brain so that you can react with glee or disgust?You get up, start doing what you must: Making breakfast, awakening your sleepy children, getting the paper, making plans,  fixing or maybe it is to carefully be sure that you don`t burn the last rice, to ignore the beetles on the floor, or to try to not to think about past regrets, looking after your sick child or hoping your mother-in law won`t be up, making her special waffles.

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No matter what you do, if you take a long or short shower, if you brush your own or someone else`s teeth (or don`t even own a toothbrush), if you must go to work or will spend the day on a white beach, if you say hello to noone, the man/women of your dreams or someone who used to be, you have small choices all the time. You can feel the drops from the shower. How they touch your skin, how they look on the imagewall, how warm and cold they are. You can feel how good it is to brush away yesterday`s news, or brush so hard that the toothbrush looks like a tornado afterwards. You can look at it this way, or that way. Your choice. Your life. And sure, some things are harder to change than others, but that doesn`t mean you can`t drag new air into your lungs, let the smell of fresh coffee enter your nose, that you think about a pleasant memory or dream about what you can do with your situation. Your choice, your life.

No matter where you live, the sun goes up, and goes down. Sometimes its cloudy, but it`s still there, preparing for a new show, resting its rays or just reminding you that there is something worth waiting for.

So begin the new day the way you want. Like they said on an old computer game: “What are you waiting for. Christmas?”7460b6c188abd43ea44720ecedd77316

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Video of therapy with an abused, enraged girl

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Tshhhis is a bit scary and unpleasant to watch, but demonstrates how abuse can influence children. You see video clips of therapy sessions with a girl who was herself abused and neglected by her father. She was adopted together with her brother, and started to hurt and molest him. The parents had to lock the doors at night, so that she couldn`t hurt him, or them. She tells, in a chilly, flat voice, how she wants to stab them. My heart bleeds for all the children out there who had to endure trauma, some while they were at their most vulnerable.

 

Protected: Little brother

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The sound of baby steps

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Little brother

 
Igjen gyv eg laus på nyttårsforsettet mitt om å skrive om dei eg er glad i, og idag har eg valgt et lite familie-lykketroll som alltid får meg i godt humør. Teksten er på engelsk, så beklager om det er nokon som ikkje får lest det!
 
The clock is somewhere between the afternoon and evening, and I`m writing this with little energy available, since I woke far too early today, and spent 1 hour just regretting things. I think I fell into some kind of sleep, after a while, but it didn`t give me rest. I`ve had a head-ache the whole day, and even coffee can`t do the trick; But I`ve come through it without any melt-downs, and think I did a fairly okay job with my clients.
 
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The person I want to tell you about was born when I was 14 years old. At that time I really enjoyed myself; I still went to my scout group where I had some really good friends, loved my life and ventured into anything I wanted and thought would be exciting. I wasn’t afraid; I rather risk something than walk away from it, because I knew that the pleasure from something good was worth fighting for. 

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About 9 months before May 1999, my mother was picking me up from my friend Torunn. She acted a bit strange and nervously told me we could go shopping Adidas clothes, which at that time, were my favourite mark. I was a bit surprised, but loved going to the stores, so didn`t think more about it. We bought some clothes and I was all glowing satisfaction. When we came inside the car, my mother said there was something she wanted to tell me. She was pregnant, and wondered what I thought about it? I replied (this I know, because my mother has told me about it several times) that it was fine for me: When the baby was little, I would enjoy it very much, and when it became older and more annoying, I wouldn’t live at home, anyway. Little did I know, that this tiny little creature would mean so much to me in the years that followed.
 
I have a picture from the time right after he was born (may 3th) where I sit with my head on my father`s shoulders. The reason was that I was so touched when I saw him, so innocent and fragile, laying in my mother`s arm. There is nothing more moving than the total trust of a new baby.  I could see his pulse on his soft head, reminding me how vulnerable they are. I was so afraid of losing him when I held his tiny limbs, that I almost didn`t dear to. I remember the first months after his birth, how I could sit there with him in my arms, justlooking and looking, never becoming tired of it. When he came into my arms, he often calmed down, and I knew I saw him like a baby should be seen.
 
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When he was upset, I could also feel the same uneasiness in the pit of my stomach, but it was important for me to control it so that he also felt more comfortable. My mother recently told me about a time when I and my friend watched him, and he swallowed something bad. I was so worried, but kept soothing him so that he wouldn`t be afraid. The bond created couldn`t be severed, and it’s still there, for us both. One of the most touching moments in my life was a night I was staying at our old house, when my brother was about 10-11 years old. I used a room that didn’t have a door-handle that worked, so if it fell down it was hard for me to get out. I wasn’t too concerned, but somebody else was; Suddenly I heard footsteps outside the door and strange sounds from behind the door. When my brother  opened it, I asked why he came to my room. He said he was so worried that I would be locked inside, that he just had to check if I was okay. This wonderful little man, so considerate and able to care for other people. It went straight to my heart where it has stayed since.
 
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How can one human being mean so much for another, that you are willing to work with your own feelings to an extent that seems impossible when you`re on your own? Stories of mothers being strong for their kids, even when they have a lot of problems of their own, never fail to move me. I see it in my work every day; People so used to giving that they have sacrificed their own goals, happiness and calm for somebody they love. Love can do so much, and it’s the most wonderful thing in the world when it blooms freely. There can`t be too much of it, learning to help people even if you need care yourself, gives so much in return (normally, if you`re with people capable of loving someone back). Never stop giving, but also notice when it just drains you. Physics tells us that energy can`t be created or disappear, but we know we all know how it can fluctuate. You can`t give for ever, if you don’t get YOUR needs covered in some way. For example: It`s necessary to focus your own oxygen-mask before you help the children. Generally, we think clearer, are more able to handle difficult situations and more able to give love, when we have our basics covered. I am really thankful for my siblings and parents for giving me so many good memories and chances to grow.Image
 
I started this post with telling you all about how much I care for my brother,  The love I had for him, made me fight for the life I wanted, because I couldn`t disappoint him, which I would if I didn’t take care of myself. Today I am working with what I love the most, and I still enjoy spending time with him. This Thursday he slept over at my place, and I took some time off work Friday, so we could do nice things together. We went to the city, to the swimming pool, cooked food and watched Norwegian Idol together. The next day we also did some scrapbooking, and I drove him to the bus-stop and waited for the bus to arrive, before I left, so that he didn’t need to be nervous about it not coming. It was really good to spend time with him, and see for myself how clever and good he has become.
 
I hope he will always feel safe, and that I`ll always be there when for some reason, he isn’t.