Another bus in front of me. There is a screeching sound in the background, a nice mix-up of Muslim vibrations from the mosque, and simply a loud weeeeaaaahh, fronting its never ending message to the world. My head is fuzzy, after just some hours of sleep, shortened by my roommate who got up really early and then just sat on her bed for 20 minutes staring at her phone. I tried a timid hello, but I probably looked like some alien right then, my right eye swollen after a piece of a contact-lens decided to have some fun. I’ve bought some tea, ice-coffee, juice and water (just a little bit thirsty). Some soft drink god must have disapproved of how I grabbed everything for myself and took revenge by turning my teacup around. I can hear him snickering somewhere, but I still don’t think I’ve learned the lesson. The clock is 8, my bus will head for the Vilnius airport in 20 minutes. My plane back to Oslo leaves at 09:45, thankfully the airport is just 5 km away.
I put down my phone, to let my thoughts roam for a while. I watch a green tree in front of me, noticing the wind tickling the leaves and get into post- morning mood (E. Grieg) at once.
I have a warm feeling running through me. jt’s compassion and happiness, cradling me in its arms as they tell me their memories. They remember a little girl from the bus ride from Riga, putting her head on her fathers shoulders, and then comes more glimpses from yesterday and days before that. I hear excerpts from emails recited inside, melting like Lithuanian chocolate. I remember her brown, sparkling eyes and compassion nods its head in agreement. Yes, it likes where my thoughts are, and especially clap its compassionate hands when we looked at each other in the cafe. It was a moment of silence, but with so many messages being sent back and forth. I grabbed one of them and said: I’m so glad we found each other (it sure wasn’t easy!). It’s like whipped cream on hot chocolate (yep, still thirsty), almost too good to be true
She let her curtains be drawn away several times, and out came precious collections of memories, retold with animation and respect for the ones in it. Her thoughtfulness was behind everything she said, no matter if it was telling about places they visited, people they met or people she loved. Her brother Emmanuel (the three E’s) was with us, also contributing with insightful comments of finishing his story. Sometimes they finished each others sentences, if they not continued it out of eagerness before the other was done. He was so calm, handling everything in the world. His violin shoulders not protesting against the task of bearing others in mind constantly. And further; They shined of ambitiousness that have brought them every possible experiences.
When she goes back to the states, there is more work to be done. I see her in my mental theater, in front of a white piano together with a student, passionately making sure they get her delivery to their potential.
A sound intrudes my reminiscence, reminding me to only take one piece of hand luggage unless I’m in classy business. I’ve thoroughly liquidized myself with coffee, drinking yoghurt, tea and water, feeling slightly nauseated by the rapid intake. Again, I see number 22 in front of me (literally) which amaze me since it has been around all the time during this trip, pushing me on and telling me I’m doing this for my own sake (22 is my birthday) . The clock was even 22.00 when we finally started walking towards our cafe yesterday, chatting about how we ran back and forth like Crazy, blind people. Slightly funny we could walk around each other like that: When I was pacing back and forth on McDonalds, going over to the cashier to convey a strict instruction; ‘
‘If they come in her, tell them to follow me). Maybe she was busy calling the crazy ward as they came in, cause our paths never crossed inspire of vigorous exercise for all of us (they sweetly thanked me for that later, lithuanians really love potatoes!)
We found each other at last. ‘I said to my brother, we won’t give up before we find her’. She smiled, probably dead tired from lack of sleep and a quite special and stressful afternoon.
One flight, hard bump in the head after one refreshing rain-shower and three bottles of tax-frees later, sitting and waiting for a bus I think I will not take. I thought I had time in Oslo to get my luggage, but seems like I must be extraordinarily fast if want to accomplish that. Nothing in me is turned on top speed, so if I find an earlier bus I will take it, even if I bought train tickets already.
The flight was spent in-between the skies and earth, in my own creative land. That’s where I build strange buildings (inspiration: Emmanuel) and think about stuff like: How funny would it be to actually smear yellow marmalade at on the singing ladies ? And that Ryanair use a lot of psychological tricks to sell stuff, but smear it over people so they feel sticky and just want to wash it away. Most of all I been re-living yesterday. How many details can one have from just three hours ? I am not sure, only know I’d take the Carousel again.
For now, the ride is over. I will walk on familiar ground again, but with my disorientation, I’ll never be sure if I suddenly walk on a new road.
Thee train is pulling me further and further away from all the Britishness I learned to love on the Asia-trip. I`ve just waved goodbye to Hannah, Gemma and my fantastic friend Matt.
Gemma just had her exam, and was a bit tired, but it was hard to notice, since nothing in the world can stop her from being just marvelous. She’s one of a kind, and it was lovely seeing her. Hannah was also full of life, that she spread all around her with vigor. We talked about all we could on the hours we had, and I couldn’t feel better.
One day later, and I`m sitting on the train to Gatwick, listening to stars by Nelly furtado, which makes me calm and happy. It’s so beautiful outside; The skyline colored pink, the grass blessed with thousands small snow crystals. I’ve had my tea, warming me to the core with blissful contentment. I feel completely free and ready for whatever my destiny will bring.
Even if I didn’t get much sleep last night either, it seems like my body has adjusted to it, so that I don’t feel the tiredness. Everything was completely worth it. Life should be like this, doing what you feel without regretting anything. Seeing Gemma and Hannah was fantastic, like I hoped for.
We ate in Chinatown and then went for the most amazing unhealthy sin: Ice cream at haegens. I’ve also had a good day before that, even if my luck for practical coincidences has left me for the time (which is completely okay, since maybe my loveometer is finally ready to warm up again, after being far to occupied with staying under freezing-point at any time)
Some days later, I’m sitting in a hotel in the capital city of Norway, in a different mood. I’m waiting for a friend I will hang out without this evening, and I`m a bit restless. I’ve overslept today, since I hadn`t turned on the sound on my iPhone, so suddenly the clock was 10.00 in the morning, and I came late for the course I’m attending. Honestly, wasn’t one of my top days, since I was ‘being a therapist’ in front of the group we were divided into, and frankly became too friendly with some of my nerves. I was unfocused and almost asked questions at random.
It’s not good when you want something so much, that you lose it exactly because of it; A never-ending theme it seems. Even worse, by one more crazy coincidence, I ended up in a group where my earlier therapist was. I so look up to her, and maybe wanted to show her that I developed since I went to her, but I don’t think I managed to do anything else than make myself miserable. It was so strange to see her again, in that setting. She knew I would be there, but I hadn’t checked the attending list before, so I was one big knot of confusion and surprise when I saw her.
We got the chance to talk a little, and I said where I work, and that I’m doing good. She said: I always knew you would make it, and that was so lovely to hear. A therapist means so much to the people who come to them, and being with her gave me such respect to what a person can accomplish in somebody’s else’s life, that I always wanted to give others the same, and I wanted her to see that I’ve learned that from her, exactly HOW much she meant, but just couldn’t.
I guess we all have experiences like that, and it’s not the end of the world, but I’m still thinking about it and must probably mull it over for a while.
Some days later, and I’m not thinking too much about it. The rest of my time in Oslo was brilliant, I met old friends and also said hello to new ones. Should actually been in Førde by know, but the plane is two hours late, so there won’t be many pieces of the day left when I return. Tomorrow it’s back to work, and that will be okay. Always a little anticipation before I check who I will talk with that day. I hope that they managed fine the week I was away, and that there hasn`t been a crisis for any of them.
Hope my readers had a good weekend ?
This is already a wonderful day, even if I was torn out of sleep by kids ex exercising their finger muscles on my door bell. I tried to hide in the shadow as I opened because of my frankenstein’s face mask, but by their swift disappearance, I’m not sure I managed. They brought a present; My snow-White mate for life, little Amadeus. He’s been naughty as usual, but wasnt away for long this time, and that wasnt to bad either, since I had a visitor yesterday.
Today I’m going to Bergen together with Helene. The anticipation is brimming: I will see my psycholgy Friends, my sister, my best friend and a lot of other Friends, and will in addition to that play boardgames, maybe Even Resistance, which is the best social game ever made that I know of! I have also done a lot lately, for example met a lot of warm and inspiring psychologist, organized things for my group (am now planning a hike to a cabin) and read about mentalization. I’ve had the best chatts, and talked a lot with an amazing guy. Can’t believe my luck, it was worth fighting away the hurt, rejection and dissapointment that lingered from the bad choices I made. I feel free, and will devour every bit of life with vigor. I have so many good things now: Wonderful and caring friends in many cities, a great family, the best job where I help the nicest people find their inner beauty, all the things I need, and my Italian course, that produce goose-bumps when I discover yet another beautiful word that gives my ear another reason to listen to magic.
Remember this: even if everything is as bad as it can be, you will get the price in the end. Or like my mother said; Nothing is so bad that it can’t be fixed. I believe that, and if you don’t, listen to my and others stories, and don’t forget you’ve felt good before.