The events in USA lately has gotten to many of us. We start to think about evil and unjustice. If you think to much about that, it`s easy to feel helpless and scared. Completely natural and reasonable, but just remember how many good people there are. I have personally talked with one of them this week, and she actually lives in Boston. If you read this, thank you so much for everything, and I wish you the very best tomorrow!
I know you also know a lot of good people out there. Put you`r imagination on fire, and let them mentally hug you. For people who still need more inspiration, read about more good people (relevant for the latest events) in the reblogged post!
the sound of dreams
A lot of my posts have been rather dark and gloomy, but now I want to light that up a bit with some pictures of places I dream about. I will probably not go to them this year, or maybe never, but the point is to remind myself of the good things out there, and I hope it inspires some of you too. I have so many places to still see, even if I have travelled as much as I can to countries in Europe, Asia and some in Africa (Marocco and Egypt, not sure if the last counts as it was in Hurghada). I am going to America in the autumn, and then have South-America and Australia left. Can`t wait!
Do people have recommendations for places to visit?
I was swimming in my own sweat and anxiety when I woke up this morning. It was a nightmare, and it probably doesn`t surprise anyone that the main character was my charming ex-boyfriend. I was doing everything wrong, the more he was silent, the more my own defective sound came through, manifesting itself in anger that after a while unleashed itself. The object wasn`t him, because I cannot make myself hit him in the dream, but my sister who I love dearly. In the dream she keeps coming to me, she wants to ask me something, but I get so annoyed because it steals time from my aim: Asking him the questions I need to know (are you together with somebody?). This frustrates me so much, especially since she doesn`t go away when I ask the first two times, that I begin to hit her. She goes away for a while, but always comes back. I am getting more and more angry, and can`t stop hitting her. My charming ex is not so charming anymore. He points at me, scolds and says: Now you see how bad you are! I feel there is nothing I can do to defend myself. He is right. I can`t control myself.
The dream doesn`t dissolve when my cold feet touch the bathroom floor. I have goosebumps, and every movement is covered by sticky sirup. I find my clothes slowly, pulling on pink and brown clothes, with a warm jacket on top of it. When I am washing my face, also this painfully slow, I notice that my eye is itchy. When I start rubbing, my finger brings with it an interesting consequence from the nights tossing and turning: A half lens. I close one eye, to see if my vision is unclear, but that`s not it. This means the lens is still whole. The part I have on my finger, must be the one who went behind my eye three weeks ago. The dirty left-overs came back to me.
When I tell you my deepest secrets, can I trust that it will be respected and that I`m still safe? Will you hate me or think I am a bad person? What will my dear readers think?
I am not sure that it will be safe, so I must know this before I start telling you about it.
I find it hard to trust people when it comes to my dark sides, so telling you about my mistakes behind my mask of success and perfection will cost me a lot.
I will end this with words from another blog that I really love. It`s about sacred places, and this part is about the most important sacred place we ever will be invited into:
Lastly, a place of critical importance for everyone is more figurative. When someone shares a piece of their heart with us, they are allowing us to see something that is very sacred and special for them. Oftentimes, we can feel vulnerable when bearing our soul to someone or sharing something deeply personal. For those listening, it is not a time to judge, belittle or ignore. When someone allows you to walk in their heart, you stand on sacred ground. Cherish the opportunity to learn more about them and listen with your head and heart. Because when we can see the side of someone that we’ve never seen, we will have made a new friend
the sound of breaking free
The sound of falling glitter
A tired woman holds her hands shut, fists clenched as small beads of sweat gather on her forehead. It’s completely dark around her, like a castle without light. The darkness illuminates the fact that the woman is holding something with its own light, but you can’t quite see what. Is it shining ? Green? Yellow? You can`t be quite sure, since she keep it closely inside. A memory is swimming in her head. When the details off it manifests themselves, the lights inside her hands becomes stronger, and she push it back. She doesn’t want to see his jaw line, his tender eyes full of concern, or hear the empty footsteps when he walked away.
You feel her pain, and want to hold it for her, but you know watching and being there afterwards, is the only help you can offer. A silent tear starts to fall, and a white bird coming out from nowhere catch it and let it ride on its soft back. Some seconds pass as the bird carry her tear away. The woman know this must be it for now, or she will burn away all that’s left of her. She lets him touch her head just one more time, and hears his voice saying he didn’t mean the bad things he said. Slowly er hands opens, and you see it’s full of glitter in all colors. It sparkles and shines for her, the beauty awakened from forced sleep. She thinks: I can’t watch this any more, it’s not mine to keep, and she turns both her hands so that more and more glitter falls down. It covers the floor, and pools around her, and she’s careful not to step on it so it can fully light up the darkness around her. She puts her head up, stands straight and brush the last flakes down while turning proudly, not looking back.
She doesn’t look tired anymore, she looks radiant and strong and we all see it; This woman doesn’t need glitter to shine.
The sound of the hair-dryer
If you look around, there is overwhelming proof of how fast things around us change. I can see men with grey hair, leaning on solid objects to feel safe. New music streams from the stores, and unfamiliar smells tickle my curiosity. There is even a skating hall in the middle of the shopping mall, surrounded by cafeterias and restaurants.
I started to think about this when I sat on the toilet earlier and looked at my cell. Today means that I can write, read and surf on the Internet absolutely everywhere. Another thought hit me: What could this lead to in a couple of years? In my minds eye I saw a young, stylish woman in a space shuttle, taking a picture of the earth and then posting it on the Internet. We want to see and experience everything, and also share it with the persons we love.
People say that something in the society is missing today. The net lures us into a cold room unfilled with real human contact. Robots fill our previous roles, while millions suffer from various tragedies. A mother holding her baby tight to her chest to protect it from the scorching sun and the sight of what humans are capable of doing to one another. It is hungry stomachs, kids who spend hours in virtual reality, violence and someone taking their last breath after years of sickening pain.
The sun still comes up, and we take another picture of it all. Where can we post it? Is there a Instagram with #picoftheday chosen based on how good it capture the diverse reality out there. Where can the mother with her dehydrated son let the world look at her dilemmas and even let them help her?
I sit in a black chair at the moment. Around me heat streams out from plastic mouths, making their usual sounds while drying wet hair. Right in front of me, blue fish swim around in a little aquarium, knowing nothin about the vast ocean and diversity there. A woman is combing my hair and people chat in their native Lithuanian language. I’m coloring my hair, because changes can be not only in our surroundings, but also on and in us.
The sun will soon wave goodbye again, before it goes to sleep and let the night be our protector. We thank the sun, and also the night. With it we are forced to put down the cameras, lock the doors and close our eyes.
My daily chinese lesson
I’m trying to learn one Chinese word/sentence every day, and had to share today’s challenge:
The greatest human relations principle is to treat other people like you want to be treated待人如待己(dài rén rú dài jǐ)
Friendship requires many qualities— generosity, genuine care to the others, and the ability to listen when the other person needs to talk, to name a few. When you show respect for your friends and gratitude for their friendship, you’ll be treated as a friend. When someone isn’t treating you fair, instead of holding grudge, have compassion for he who treats you unjust as this person maybe going through tough times in his life. A kind word or a gentle, understanding smile may help the person feel better and change his attitude.
The sound of Finished work
Earlier I always got a certain kind of feeling after an exam ended. I`d spent so many days reading, trying to grasp what everything meant, and then the day came, where the results of the work would be visible. In University you also got grades, and you knew youcompeted against all the others students in the room. Its hard to tell exactly how many times I`d hear that they must get an A, or at least a B, and how many people I´d seen around me in the reading halls, some of them sitting there with their books until evening knocked on the door. The last day before my exam I stayed at home, reading from when I got up, until I went to bed, no matter what else was going on around me. In Norway we have our national celebration at the 17th of May, and I think two celebrations was used for studying, since my exam was the day after. I remember taking a small trip out, in my baggy clothes, and feeling a bit unreal, since everyone else was in their finest clothes, while I just allowed myself some carefully chosen minutes outside before guilt brought me in again, to even more underlining of words, one more sentence, and one more detail that I just had to remember.
I`m bringing this up, because right now I´m feeling a bit like I did then. After all the reading and studying was finally over, I felt a mixture of relief and being a bit empty. I didn`t have to do anything that day, I could go home, visit somebody or even watch a movie, during DAYTIME! It felt good, but also a little wrong.
The last year has been special for me. Its been so many new experiences, meeting a lot of really nice people, but also saying goodbye to somebody I´d rather keep by my side. I`d been so busy, always a new plan that I had to follow through, always a new place I had to go, always chasing. And now I sit here with this funny, little feeling. Who did I do all this work for? What was the result? Would I have done it again? I´m not sure.
When I was younger, maybe 8-9, I did things for their own sake. I started to write little stories, and even started on a book, based on an idea I suddenly got. I´ve actually finished one of my “books”, and me and my best friend tried to make a movie out of it (my initiative, I could be quite direct with what I wanted to do). I loved the process; Writing, thinking, blowing life to my characters, and I did it automatically. I also rememberber my mother buying a box of books, and I lived in them. I still remember how I could cry at the end of a book, because now I didn`t have the chance to see how it all went. I had to close the book and let them live on.
Through my life I`ve always had small projects or Ideas that I tried to blow alive. It could be to make a small “club”, were we had to write “articles” for the membership paper (we were three members), it could be
a game I invented and everybody had to learn it, or it could be making up a song while my brother followed me on his guitar.
The last year I started a facebook group called “Aktiviteter i Førde”. I did it on a whim, like I´ve done with most projects in my life. Since I`ve started working as a psychologist, I`dnotice how many of the patients said the same thing: I`m lonely, and there is no chance to meet new peop
le. Even people living in Førde for a while, said they rather go away in the weekends than stay in the city, because “nothing happened anyway”. One morning I woke up with this th
ought in my head, and I simply had to do it.
Why not create a place that could be a platform to meet, to make things happen? Where people could say what they missed, and where it would actually be possible to make things happen? Then I started planning a group like that, and suddenly I used a lot of my free-time on it.
This weekend was kind of my goodbye to that project. I did accomplish some of what I hoped initially, and I`ve gotten so much feedback on the value of it (“We need people like you, who wants to change things” “That`s pretty cool”, and “A wonderful initiative”). Still I can`t shake this feeling that I´m not sure if I´m satisfied. Was it worth it? Was it what I wanted? I`ve used so much of my free time, and met a couple of really nice people along the way, but in the end the things I arranged, didn`t quite got the effect I hoped for. I`m not even sure what I expected, but maybe that behind “What a great initiative” there would actually be more people checking what it was all about. Some people joined me and the others I had with me, but in the end, so many didn`t, and I`m wondering: Do people want to come together? Meet in new ways? Be social with new people?
I`m not even sure what I`m trying to say, other than I`ve finished a year were I got funds, arranged courses, dinners and meetings, and this weekend we had the last event; With a photo-course, stress-course and a cooking course, followed by a dinner and concert. The day was great, in the end, but during it I was running up and down, getting coffee, making sure everyone had what they needed and not before the clock was 20.30 could I sit down and breathe again. I`ve slept 5 hours the night till Sunday and also had a productive day, but at the end of the day I wasn`t quite sure what I`ve actually done with it.
I know this is a period where I have to rest, accept that I also need to slow down, and feel happy about doing it, and I will.
The sound of whispering behind the veil
Yesterday I was there, between the helpless feeling of nothingness and thin veil of reality. I tried to see behind it, tried to force a crystal ball to this place, so I could get a glimpse of what I’m still doing here, and why I bother. The bed I slept in was coverer in cold promises that I tried to forget, but who firmly covered me with its invisible film.
I returned to reality, neither happy or sad, just a neutral mood sprinkled with tiredness.
We will see the place I’ll have to go, in the end.
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