Healthy, happy, whole: Self Care Guilt

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Self Care Guilt


What is this thing that happens to me when I do something nice for myself?  This immediate pang of guilt.  Where on earth does this come from?  Why does it happen every time?  Either in a feeling of remorse for doing something nice for myself, or a feeling of guilt because I have spent an amount of money or time doing something that my brain has labeled frivolous.

Writing right now falls into that category.  Writing is something that makes me feel so good.  It’s like a brain massage getting out all the kinks.  It smooths my thought process and relaxes me.  Part of me knows that I’m doing the right thing by taking care of myself.  It’s the part of me that is great with kids, the super motherly part, and the therapist side of me.  And then there’s the other part.  The logical side that says “it’s too much” and “what a waste”.

I first started carving time out for myself in college.  Back then it was more about morphing into a super-tan version of myself.  I would spray tan once a week, get my nails filled regularly, and have platinum highlights painted to hide any hint of natural color.  I have to be honest with you.  While I felt “beautiful” because I matched all the other girls in my sorority, the inside of me felt so ugly.  Plus, those “beauty” treatments were really costly and they weren’t even that fun.  The nail salon smelled so bad and some of the skin picking and nail filing actually felt like torture more than relaxation.  Getting spray tanned, well, we’ve all seen that episode of Friends where Ross gets spray tanned (if not, here it is for you  I was an orange skinned, blond haired girl.

My self care methods have changed a lot since college.  I still get my hair dyed, but its a nice red color that looks natural with my light skin, and I paint my own nails as needed.  For me, self care now looks like trips to the acupuncturist, making sure I’m eating right, exercising, painting, writing, reading, taking breaks to do nothing, petting my dog.  Basically any activity that fill me with life on the inside.

But why do I still feel guilty after doing things that are nice for myself?

When I go to the acupuncturist I think that I’m wasting money even though I feel like I’m walking on clouds after.  When I read a novel I think that I should be reading for school.  When I’m writing a blog post for fun I feel like I should be working on my homework assignments.  When I pet the dog I think I should be cleaning.  When I workout, well working out some times feels like hell, so it’s punishing enough to not feel like self care when I’m doing it.  It’s so extreme that I don’t let myself do easy exercise like yoga or light walking hardly ever.  Even though those activities make my soul feel happy, I choose boot camp because it is the more practical option.  Therapy is the same way.  I feel like it is emotionally intense enough to not feel like self care, but calling a friend to talk about my problems feels like I’m putting a burden on them.  What’s up with that?

When this all occurred to me today I prayed about it immediately.  I asked God to break the pattern in my family of women who have a really hard time being nice to themselves.  I think that it worked.  Here’s what I’m going to need to do: I’m going to need to love myself as much and as often as I can.  Not in a self-obsessed way because, let’s be honest, I don’t think I could ever get to that point.  Rather, I need to fill my week with activities that make me feel really good.  They don’t have to be costly or time consuming to feel great either.  I can soak my feet in some mineral water, roller skate around the block, take a yoga class or do some gentle yoga at home, ask a friend to listen to me for ten minutes, meditate, write fiction, play a game, buy a plant, get myself a shirt, buys myself some flowers, or paint.  I think it’s about fitting these things into life as much as possible and seeing them as medicine my soul needs.

Sociopath and the confusion of kindness

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Sociopath and the confusion of kindness

One thing that can confuse victims of sociopaths is their ability to ‘be kind’. Just as you have decided that you have had enough, that you want to leave, and to get out of this abusive, controlling relationship, the sociopath switches, and becomes ‘Mr kind’ ‘Mr caring’ and ‘Mr compassionate’ . This is often much to the annoyance of those who have been supporting you to leave. As now, you are at risk of being lured back in by the sociopath.


Any ordinary person, even an abused one, will get to the point where they have to leave for the sake of their own sanity. Nobody can endure being hurt over and over.

A sociopath will sense when he is losing control. He will sense when he is about to lose you, and therefore lose his source of supply. You are hurt, damaged, and you desperately want your inner hurt and pain to go away. But you stand firm, you try to retain No Contact, you try to be kind to yourself.

The sociopath will realise that berating you, is getting nowhere and that he is losing his grip of control over you. Perhaps you have decided to have nothing to do with him, that you are establishing no contact and bringing others into your life for support.

A sociopath is always able to read you, to assess you, to analyse you. And when he feels that he is losing grip of his latest victim, he can then be unbelievably kind. You will start to question your own judgement. You read the DSM list of criteria for sociopaths. Kindness is not listed, so you reason, perhaps you are wrong? Maybe he isn’t a sociopath after all?

What the sociopath is doing is returning back to stage two – Seducing/Gaming. If you recall I wrote earlier how there are three stages with a sociopath. And he can revert back to earlier stages, if he hasn’t yet finished with you, and you still have further use to him. The three stages are:

  • Assessment
  • Gaming/seducing
  • Ruining

It is important to stick with what you feel. To write down what is happening to you. Listen to your inner self, and your gut feeling. You might feel that because the sociopath is being kind and that perhaps you have it wrong? That he isn’t a sociopath after all?

You are being lured back into the fairy tale of who you want him to be, that person who in your mind, you fell in love with, but who didn’t exist. He is now about to sell you the fairy tale for the second time.

So far, I have discussed how you are feeling, and how this makes you feel, and how this confuses you.

What you feel, is maybe he does love me? He seems to care about my welfare, and how I am feeling? Maybe your assessment of him is wrong, and he isn’t actually a sociopath? You start to breathe a sigh of relief. Now you can return to the illusion you had before. He is actually a normal person, not a sociopath.

For the sociopath, it is not about how you are feeling. He is not thinking about your needs, or your welfare, neither does he care how much you are hurting (although it might seem that way).  To return to the motive for the sociopath (remember that the sociopath ALWAYS has a motive), what he is thinking is either:

  • He is losing a source of supply he does not want to lose
  • Or you have ended things on your terms, he does not like this loss of control, and wants to end things on his terms

If you were to return to the sociopath when he is being kind, if you were to listen to the sociopath and his glib, false empty promises, things will shortly return to the way that they were before.

Whilst his kindness might give you a temporary relief of pain and hurt that you are feeling. It will, once you are trusting him again, and allowing him control over you and your life, return to the abusive relationship that you were in before.

Nothing will ever change. The sociopath cannot change. His brain is wired differently. He cannot help but manipulate and deceive. Trust your judgement, and do not be temporarily blinded to acts of kindness, it is tempting to do so, as we do not want  to realise that the person we were involved with was a different person to who we thought. We want our judgment about him to be wrong. We want it not to be true, but it is true. The sooner that you come to terms with this, the quicker you can heal.

Unfortunately, with a sociopath, it is the way that he is. Whilst things might be ok for a while, service would soon resume as normal. His need for control is overwhelming, acting kind, is manipulating you, and just another way for you to be controlled.

Remember that the sociopath is master of disguise, and will do and say anything to get what he wants. Being kind is another manipulation tool that is used when he either wishes to lure you in, in the beginning, or to lure you back when he feels that he is losing you.

Words ©


What Is “Faces In The Sea”?

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What Is “Faces In The Sea”?.

This is an idea created by a man I respect just for the fact that he had I. But he also brings it to life, and I cannot underline how impressed I am. A person loving people around him, and showing it, without expecting anything else in return, touch my hear. Giving people a chance to talk and even looking for those who should, inspire me.

The Helpers

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The events in USA lately has gotten to many of us. We start to think about evil and unjustice. If you think to much about that, it`s easy to feel helpless and scared. Completely natural and reasonable, but just remember how many good people there are. I have personally talked with one of them this week, and she actually lives in Boston. If you read this, thank you so much for everything, and I wish you the very best tomorrow!

I know you also know a lot of good people out there. Put you`r imagination on fire, and let them mentally hug you. For people who still need more inspiration, read about more good people (relevant for the latest events) in the reblogged post!