relationships

The sound of falling glitter

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A tired woman holds her hands shut, fists clenched as small beads of sweat gather on her forehead. It’s completely dark around her, like a castle without light. The darkness illuminates the fact that the woman is holding something with its own light, but you can’t quite see what. Is it shining ? Green? Yellow? You can`t be quite sure, since she keep it closely inside. 1e6f0c21138bf6ebac99cb1538aa4dd7A memory is swimming in her head. When the details off it manifests themselves, the lights inside her hands becomes stronger, and she push it back. She doesn’t want to see his jaw line, his tender eyes full of concern, or hear the empty footsteps when he walked away.

You feel her pain, and want to hold it for her, but you know watching and being there afterwards, is the only help you can offer. A silent tear starts to fall, and a white bird coming out from nowhere catch it and let it ride on its soft back. Some seconds pass as the bird carry her tear away. The woman know this must be it for now, or she will burn away all that’s left of her. She lets him touch her head just one more time, and hears his voice saying he didn’t mean the bad things he said.glitter Slowly er hands opens, and you see it’s full of glitter in all colors. It sparkles and shines for her, the beauty awakened from forced sleep. She thinks: I can’t watch this any more, it’s not mine to keep, and she turns both her hands so that more and more glitter falls down. It covers the floor, and pools around her, and she’s careful not to step on it so it can fully light up the darkness around her. She puts her head up, stands straight and brush the last flakes down while turning proudly, not looking back.

She doesn’t look tired anymore, she looks radiant and strong and we all see it; This woman doesn’t need glitter to shine.

Lost and found

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Right now I’ve placed my professional self in the office chair of my companion, waiting for a new private patient. My stomach is bravely working with biff stroganoff that I bought in a cafeteria right before I came here. I sat down with my iPad and started to read some blogs, which inspired me to start typing myself. I read a lovely little excerpt from a woman’s life, with this question baked in the general text:
If you have never lost yourself, how can you ever find yourself?
It immediately got me, since it so elegantly turns around the meaning of something most people would classify as wrong. I like this small protest against the established, this tendency to surprise and give our brain something new to mull over.

To meet a new human lost in their own nightmare is always something special. It’s knowing we will have to take a journey, sometimes into unpleasant territory. It’s knowing I’ll be there, mostly being a cheerleader and as the one who really tries to see behind masks of fright, sadness or guilt. It’s a discovery, and also feeling someone’s pain with them. It’s feeling my eyes water because once again, someone did what they said they couldn’t: Go into a store when you’re sure you will faint and maybe die, telling you’re best friend what’s really going on

The sound of growing anger

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A life consists of different periods, and some of them can be tough. My last 5 months have been hard, and some of my Readers participated on my journey. I have endured every kind of bad weather, and some of you might have felt the drops on Your own skin. I have tried to tie the past, now and the future together, and have been searching for hope after the toughest break-up in my life. What I haven’t written so much about yet, is anger. Mostly I have been afraid, sad and felt lonely, or I’ve regretted mistakes I made in our relationship, but one week ago, I finally got the glimpses of annoyance, frustration and rightful anger.

The evening it happened I was in my bed after another evening thinking about what could have been. I so easily remember the things he told me, how I dreamt about having his children and wearing a beautiful dress for his sake. It was making me feel completely drained, because it could never be and I knew that. Then I also felt the first sparkles of irritation: Why should I go around thinking about everything the relationship meant to me when he hasn`t thought about us at all after we ended it? Why give him so much attention ? I know that if he thought about us, it was just the bad memories, so how could I make myself suffer by thinking about him all the time? There in my bed I felt the need to change this, I needed to feel stronger and more like ME. I felt it was my right to get what I dream of without pain, like it was for him. In my head I have been bowing before his feet, looking down in shame. I said to myself: ENOUGH! And the afraid, little girl, so needy, grew in my minds eye. Suddenly I was a giant, and he was just a small dot down there, that couldn`t hurt me anymore. If I wanted, I could rub the stain that he was, away, and stand taller than ever. I gave myself steel armor and a gold shield. I permitted imprtant people to stand there beside me, placing their arm on my shoulder and promising me that I was more than good enough. I thought that if he couldn’t see my good sides it is his loss, and there and then I didn’t bother how hard he tried to hurt me. I simply didn`t care anymore, and if felt so good.

We need to grow, ground ourself firmly in the earth and act like we deserve the place we inhabit . We are Our own worst enemies, when we choose to believe that rejection means you’re bad. We think the thoughts that can destory us.

The anger was welcome, and I saw it was necessary. I’m still not a 100 % over him, but I can feel how close I am getting. Sometimes I smell the roses on the other side of the fence, as if they grow inside of me. It’s knowing that people can be thorns, but you are the one who pick them up. When an electric shock spreads through you after touching an electrical fence, you knew it could happen. I don’t want to complain, but sometimes it’s okay to feel that life can be hard, and anger can protect you from being treated wrong again.

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The sound of baby steps

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Little brother

 
Igjen gyv eg laus på nyttårsforsettet mitt om å skrive om dei eg er glad i, og idag har eg valgt et lite familie-lykketroll som alltid får meg i godt humør. Teksten er på engelsk, så beklager om det er nokon som ikkje får lest det!
 
The clock is somewhere between the afternoon and evening, and I`m writing this with little energy available, since I woke far too early today, and spent 1 hour just regretting things. I think I fell into some kind of sleep, after a while, but it didn`t give me rest. I`ve had a head-ache the whole day, and even coffee can`t do the trick; But I`ve come through it without any melt-downs, and think I did a fairly okay job with my clients.
 
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The person I want to tell you about was born when I was 14 years old. At that time I really enjoyed myself; I still went to my scout group where I had some really good friends, loved my life and ventured into anything I wanted and thought would be exciting. I wasn’t afraid; I rather risk something than walk away from it, because I knew that the pleasure from something good was worth fighting for. 

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About 9 months before May 1999, my mother was picking me up from my friend Torunn. She acted a bit strange and nervously told me we could go shopping Adidas clothes, which at that time, were my favourite mark. I was a bit surprised, but loved going to the stores, so didn`t think more about it. We bought some clothes and I was all glowing satisfaction. When we came inside the car, my mother said there was something she wanted to tell me. She was pregnant, and wondered what I thought about it? I replied (this I know, because my mother has told me about it several times) that it was fine for me: When the baby was little, I would enjoy it very much, and when it became older and more annoying, I wouldn’t live at home, anyway. Little did I know, that this tiny little creature would mean so much to me in the years that followed.
 
I have a picture from the time right after he was born (may 3th) where I sit with my head on my father`s shoulders. The reason was that I was so touched when I saw him, so innocent and fragile, laying in my mother`s arm. There is nothing more moving than the total trust of a new baby.  I could see his pulse on his soft head, reminding me how vulnerable they are. I was so afraid of losing him when I held his tiny limbs, that I almost didn`t dear to. I remember the first months after his birth, how I could sit there with him in my arms, justlooking and looking, never becoming tired of it. When he came into my arms, he often calmed down, and I knew I saw him like a baby should be seen.
 
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When he was upset, I could also feel the same uneasiness in the pit of my stomach, but it was important for me to control it so that he also felt more comfortable. My mother recently told me about a time when I and my friend watched him, and he swallowed something bad. I was so worried, but kept soothing him so that he wouldn`t be afraid. The bond created couldn`t be severed, and it’s still there, for us both. One of the most touching moments in my life was a night I was staying at our old house, when my brother was about 10-11 years old. I used a room that didn’t have a door-handle that worked, so if it fell down it was hard for me to get out. I wasn’t too concerned, but somebody else was; Suddenly I heard footsteps outside the door and strange sounds from behind the door. When my brother  opened it, I asked why he came to my room. He said he was so worried that I would be locked inside, that he just had to check if I was okay. This wonderful little man, so considerate and able to care for other people. It went straight to my heart where it has stayed since.
 
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How can one human being mean so much for another, that you are willing to work with your own feelings to an extent that seems impossible when you`re on your own? Stories of mothers being strong for their kids, even when they have a lot of problems of their own, never fail to move me. I see it in my work every day; People so used to giving that they have sacrificed their own goals, happiness and calm for somebody they love. Love can do so much, and it’s the most wonderful thing in the world when it blooms freely. There can`t be too much of it, learning to help people even if you need care yourself, gives so much in return (normally, if you`re with people capable of loving someone back). Never stop giving, but also notice when it just drains you. Physics tells us that energy can`t be created or disappear, but we know we all know how it can fluctuate. You can`t give for ever, if you don’t get YOUR needs covered in some way. For example: It`s necessary to focus your own oxygen-mask before you help the children. Generally, we think clearer, are more able to handle difficult situations and more able to give love, when we have our basics covered. I am really thankful for my siblings and parents for giving me so many good memories and chances to grow.Image
 
I started this post with telling you all about how much I care for my brother,  The love I had for him, made me fight for the life I wanted, because I couldn`t disappoint him, which I would if I didn’t take care of myself. Today I am working with what I love the most, and I still enjoy spending time with him. This Thursday he slept over at my place, and I took some time off work Friday, so we could do nice things together. We went to the city, to the swimming pool, cooked food and watched Norwegian Idol together. The next day we also did some scrapbooking, and I drove him to the bus-stop and waited for the bus to arrive, before I left, so that he didn’t need to be nervous about it not coming. It was really good to spend time with him, and see for myself how clever and good he has become.
 
I hope he will always feel safe, and that I`ll always be there when for some reason, he isn’t.
 

The sound of London and Me

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Thee train is pulling me further and further away from all the Britishness I learned to love on the Asia-trip. I`ve just waved goodbye to Hannah, Gemma and my fantastic friend Matt.

The funny thing was that it didn’t feel like it was 5 months since we saw each other, it was like coming home; Strange considering it was my first time in London.
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Gemma just had her exam, and was a bit tired, but it was hard to notice, since nothing in the world can stop her from being just marvelous. She’s one of a kind, and it was lovely seeing her. Hannah was also full of life, that she spread all around her with vigor. We talked about all we could on the hours we had, and I couldn’t feel better.

One day later, and I`m sitting on the train to Gatwick, listening to stars by Nelly furtado, which makes me calm and happy. It’s so beautiful outside; The skyline colored pink, the grass blessed with thousands small snow crystals. I’ve had my tea, warming me to the core with blissful contentment. I feel completely free and ready for whatever my destiny will bring.

Even if I didn’t get much sleep last night either, it seems like my body has adjusted to it, so that I don’t feel the tiredness. Everything was completely worth it. Life should be like this, doing what you feel without regretting anything. Seeing Gemma and Hannah was fantastic, like I hoped for.

We ate in Chinatown and then went for the most amazing unhealthy sin: Ice cream at haegens. I’ve also had a good day before that, even if my luck for practical coincidences has left me for the time (which is completely okay, since maybe my loveometer is finally ready to warm up again, after being far to occupied with staying under freezing-point at any time)

Some days later, I’m sitting in a hotel in the capital city of Norway, in a different mood. I’m waiting for a friend I will hang out without this evening, and I`m a bit restless. I’ve overslept today, since I hadn`t turned on the sound on my iPhone, so suddenly the clock was 10.00 in the morning, and I came late for the course I’m attending. Honestly, wasn’t one of my top days, since I was ‘being a therapist’ in front of the group we were divided into, and frankly became too friendly with some of my nerves. I was unfocused and almost asked questions at random.

It’s not good when you want something so much, that you lose it exactly because of it; A never-ending theme it seems. Even worse, by one more crazy coincidence, I ended up in a group where my earlier therapist was. I so look up to her, and maybe wanted to show her that I developed since I went to her, but I don’t think I managed to do anything else than make myself miserable. It was so strange to see her again, in that setting. She knew I would be there, but I hadn’t checked the attending list before, so I was one big knot of confusion and surprise when I saw her.

We got the chance to talk a little, and I said where I work, and that I’m doing good. She said: I always knew you would make it, and that was so lovely to hear. A therapist means so much to the people who come to them, and being with her gave me such respect to what a person can accomplish in somebody’s else’s life, that I always wanted to give others the same, and I wanted her to see that I’ve learned that from her, exactly HOW much she meant, but just couldn’t.

I guess we all have experiences like that, and it’s not the end of the world, but I’m still thinking about it and must probably mull it over for a while.

Some days later, and I’m not thinking too much about it. The rest of my time in Oslo was brilliant, I met old friends and also said hello to new ones. Should actually been in Førde by know, but the plane is two hours late, so there won’t be many pieces of the day left when I return. Tomorrow it’s back to work, and that will be okay. Always a little anticipation before I check who I will talk with that day. I hope that they managed fine the week I was away, and that there hasn`t been a crisis for any of them.

Hope my readers had a good weekend ?

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The sound of forgotten wickedness

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I`m sitting in the office, five minutes before the next client arrives this friday. I can hear the clock ticking away its message to me. I`m a bit tired, since I woke up a bit before 5 this night, reminded of a dream that keeps repeating itself. Its stuck, like my thoughts, and I badly want to push them, make them move, make them go away.

I read from a blog the other day, that problems will be there until their solved, but this one can`t be. Sometimes acceptance must be reached, and I know I`m closing in on it, since the fighting has gotten more intense, but not with the same attitude. I know calling will not do, and that nothing will work to get him back, so basically it’s just to remind me that I am a person who never gives up, and maybe that’s also the message I want others to see, too. But I know, there is really no need, cause I show it far too much, people get tired of my updates and perseverance, maybe they feel the vain and don`t like the feeling it awakens.<img src="https://mirrorgirlblog.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/cozy.jpg?w=215" alt="cozy" width="215" height="300"

I`ve just come back from a little walk. My head is loaded with tiredness from unsuccessful sleep, and I need to expose it to the cold clarity resting in the air outside, just enough to feel thankful for the warmth, when I was back inside. I then went to our reception, where both the secretaries were busying themselves with essential friday work. Another co-worker was there, in a striped, colorful jumper, also an essential reminder of the roots

class=”alignnone size-medium wp-image-744″ />weekend coming. I just have one more conversation today, before I grab the keys to my faithful little car, and start my travelling. I`m going away for a week. No more thinking about everything I`ve lost (even our cat is now in the custody of E.`s parents), but focusing on new things. They happen all the time, its just noticing it so much that the old things is buried under them, new networks forming in my tired mind, one more path in the land of the unknown.

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The sound of the door bell waking me up

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This is already a wonderful day, even if I was torn out of sleep by kids ex exercising their finger muscles on my door bell. I tried to hide in the shadow as I opened because of my frankenstein’s face mask, but by their swift disappearance, I’m not sure I managed. They brought a present; My snow-White mate for life, little Amadeus. He’s been naughty as usual, but wasnt away for long this time, and that wasnt to bad either, since I had a visitor yesterday.

Today I’m going to Bergen together with Helene. The anticipation is brimming: I will see my psycholgy Friends, my sister, my best friend and a lot of other Friends, and will in addition to that play boardgames, maybe Even Resistance, which is the best social game ever made that I know of! I have also done a lot lately, for example met a lot of warm and inspiring psychologist, organized things for my group (am now planning a hike to a cabin) and read about mentalization. I’ve had the best chatts, and talked a lot with an amazing guy. Can’t believe my luck, it was worth fighting away the hurt, rejection and dissapointment that lingered from the bad choices I made. I feel free, and will devour every bit of life with vigor. I have so many good things now: Wonderful and caring friends in many cities, a great family, the best job where I help the nicest people find their inner beauty, all the things I need, and my Italian course, that produce goose-bumps when I discover yet another beautiful word that gives my ear another reason to listen to magic.

Remember this: even if everything is as bad as it can be, you will get the price in the end. Or like my mother said; Nothing is so bad that it can’t be fixed. I believe that, and if you don’t, listen to my and others stories, and don’t forget you’ve felt good before.

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Protected: Narrative part 3: The bridge of love

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