The water rests now. But sometimes the ocean can be angry. It`s waves can lead to destruction, leaving debris behind. It can wash over every building, every monument we have built. It can come with mighty force, so that no one is safe. People get small in the water`s wrath. They scream and beg, but nothing works.
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.
There comes a time when you need to change course,
from him to you
from obsessing, to walking your own path,
illuminated in your light and not his darkness
I`m sitting in the office, five minutes before the next client arrives this friday. I can hear the clock ticking away its message to me. I`m a bit tired, since I woke up a bit before 5 this night, reminded of a dream that keeps repeating itself. Its stuck, like my thoughts, and I badly want to push them, make them move, make them go away.
I read from a blog the other day, that problems will be there until their solved, but this one can`t be. Sometimes acceptance must be reached, and I know I`m closing in on it, since the fighting has gotten more intense, but not with the same attitude. I know calling will not do, and that nothing will work to get him back, so basically it’s just to remind me that I am a person who never gives up, and maybe that’s also the message I want others to see, too. But I know, there is really no need, cause I show it far too much, people get tired of my updates and perseverance, maybe they feel the vain and don`t like the feeling it awakens.<img src="https://mirrorgirlblog.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/cozy.jpg?w=215" alt="cozy" width="215" height="300"
I`ve just come back from a little walk. My head is loaded with tiredness from unsuccessful sleep, and I need to expose it to the cold clarity resting in the air outside, just enough to feel thankful for the warmth, when I was back inside. I then went to our reception, where both the secretaries were busying themselves with essential friday work. Another co-worker was there, in a striped, colorful jumper, also an essential reminder of the
class=”alignnone size-medium wp-image-744″ />weekend coming. I just have one more conversation today, before I grab the keys to my faithful little car, and start my travelling. I`m going away for a week. No more thinking about everything I`ve lost (even our cat is now in the custody of E.`s parents), but focusing on new things. They happen all the time, its just noticing it so much that the old things is buried under them, new networks forming in my tired mind, one more path in the land of the unknown.
People are afraid of it all. Tiny little creatures crawling on the floor, rooms where space is limited, certain thoughts and triggers evoking them, and not least: Humans. How they smile while holding a dagger behind their back, how you curl yourself up for protections from their harsh words, and how you think about jumping over the edge both in happiness and sorrow.
Pain has always been an anguish for me. When I felt it, I felt it intensely , no matter if it was physical or psychological. I tried all the strategies that I had then, to strangle it: Soothing, thinking, hiding, words that promised another and better life, mechanisms of short-term survival that did their job there and then. It worked, until new Pain knocked on my door.
New days always bring with it something else, whether its pain or joy. Its full of unknown events that always surprise you, its full of twists that`s impossible to predict, and it`s also full of strong emotions, also good ones. They are the champions presenting another reason to free your nerves from their cages, so that they can touch every aspect of it with its tiny, fast fingers.
Today also hide secrets, known only to the special few: The knowledge collected from your personal narrative. Some of the best and the worst, and lot of in-betweens. It’s the kiss you had from that special one, making you dizzy and happy to be alive, it’s the first time you stumbled, but got picked up again by a stranger, gentle and caring. It’s the tears brimming over from disappointment and loss, but thanking you for their release. This pendulum swings back and forth, like a lot of things in life. Its homeostasis, not of temperature or drug-tolerance, but of feelings. It’s the principle of balance that keeps tugging us back in a new direction, never static. Almost like the universe itself. Sometimes the pulling is stronger, and the movement leads to others moving, too. It’s the boomerang coming back, with something new on its surface from where it travelled. The air we breath in is never the same as before, it changes but does it job perfectly, all the same. We humans are even more magnificent. After change, we mostly learn and are even better adapted for emotions yet to arrive. Because they will resurface and try to pull you under water, make you cry for help and struggle with panic. But remember: You won`t drown if you remember to swim the right way, and be calm while you do it.