Today is a calm day at work, maybe simply because it’s Friday and people are getting ready for the weekend. Who wants to be serious then? I am using the time diligently (almost) and have for example taken some phone calls and been to 2 hours of supervision. I`ve had one patient, and have read a little bit, also. The chapter I`m reading right now is about giving yourself as much compassion as everyone else. This is maybe one of the most central themes in my work, and something especially hard for
traumatized people. They`re so used to focusing on others, because they had to, before. If mother was in a good mood, then maybe that day would be okay. Maybe it would even be possible to do something nice together.
Right now I feel the need for comfort, myself. It’s 5 month after my big love left me, and my heart is healing so slowly. If I try to contact him, just in case he has changed his mind, I never get anything else than more disappointment, and the knowledge that he`ll never ever be with me again, is just so hard to take in. When I hear songs reminding me of the situation, I have to turn it off, and I still haven`t seen one romantic movie after the break-up. I don`t even like to be around couples. I have no problem connecting with my patients and their pain from rejection. So now I want to try to give myself crutches, myself a chance to stand upright even when I feel nothing is right.
First of all, it’s not the first time I`ve lost somebody. Like I`ve already written in my narrative, I lost my very best friend and my first real love while still struggling to grow up. I spent years trying to come to terms with loosing my first love, and I even thought about us while I was in new relationships. If I read books about people finding each other again after a long time, I hoped that would happen to me. After some time I felt better again, and tried to move on.
I have to remind myself of the struggles I`ve had, and how I always tried to continue fighting even when I just wanted to lay down, letting nature take me back to the earth. I`ve been in the rain countless times, and I managed to crawl back into a dry house after a while. These last months have been so difficult, and I am really proud that I got through Christmas, New Year and Valentine in one piece. Valentine was even a good day, because I treated myself so nicely; Ate something good, did scrapbooking, put on music and was proud that I could enjoy myself so much. It’s the first time I spent any of those big occasions without a boyfriend, and I feel stronger. Instead of finding some random person to soothe me, I soothed myself, and I am proud of myself.
I still see his face when I close my eyes, but now I work towards mixing the good things with the bad. How I felt when he was never there, how it hurt when he thought I was demanding too much, the way he never asked about my day or how he was restless when he finally was at home. I was always trying to make him, and still he only told me I was reacting the wrong way. He told me I was overreacting when I tried to talk about how I felt, and that I made it more uncomfortable for him to be home. I did many things wrong, because I felt neglected, and that made me feel even worse and more unstable. I know I`m to blame for a lot of things, but I ALSO have to remember I always did my best.
Another thing I must remember is how hard I have worked to be a better person. I have reproached myself, cried my frustrated tears without anyone to dry them, and gone to sleep alone most nights. I`ve had a warm shower when I really need it, and been social and active. I`ve not missed one day at work, and always focus 100 % at my patients, and I have been completely honest with people around me on how I`m doing. I`ve also been honest with people who liked me more than what I could return, and felt I have been able to not let anything go too far. I`ve also had my share of rejections from some people I’ve met, who I could have liked a bit more, without feeling too bad about it. I`ve told myself I have to take the time I need, and given myself some invisible hugs when the world is grey around me. I must remember that I need this time to heal, and that I obviously deserve it. I shouldn`t feel bad for using several hours on nothing, like staying on the internet or watching some tv-show. I`m much harder on myself than with anyone else, and always keep these unreasonable standards on what I have to accomplish.
To elevate my mood and take care of my body I have started swimming and running 2-3 times a week. Even when on vacation or at home, I try to put some exercise into the program. Today I walked to work for the first time in a long time, and it felt great! I am eating healthy most of the time, but still eat dessert, chocholate or drink chai caramel when I want to. I have met people I and prioritized spending time with them. I also have to learn to not feel bad if I say no to something, because I MUST have time on my own. It`s essential that I can just be with the bad feelings, that I see I can bear it and even learn more about how to control them.
And what about who I am? I have sometimes done bad things, but that doesn`t mean that I AM bad. I have hurt people because that`s easier than being hurt myself, but it still doesn`t make me a person unworthy of love. I struggle, and instead of dragging myself down, by thinking I’m horrible, I have to see that I also do good things, every day.
It can be the small things like holding the door when I see someone coming towards me, and bigger things, like saying to my supervisor today that it`s not okay that my patient is treated bad by her mother. It can be to give my brother a hug and a heartfelt compliment, and it can be to validate someone else`s pain. I think about the environment, and don`t use my money on fancy and expensive stuff. I want to be real, and am proud that I actually can show that it`s okay to do mistakes. We all do, and we will probably do them again. Most of us don`t have energy or time enough to really work on our issues, and there are so many expectations the whole time, that we just have to fail once in a while. I can be creative, get new ideas from diverse bits of information and try to keep updated on what`s going on in the world. I also try to be open to meet new people, and to let the unknown rest where it should be: In the future that no one can see.
Taking all this together, I`ve done a considerable amount of work, and that shows my strength. It shows that I can Survive and thrive, and when I get through this I will surely grasp the opportunities that I deserve. I will take my time, mull it over, and really feel if its right or not, when I go into a new relationship, and I will be honest anout my past and what I hope for. I want to give myself this letter, because I have felt a unhappy the last days, and I need to remind myself that what I`m trying to do is hard work. I am allowed to hope that things will turn around again. I can choose which path I choose, and no one can stop me.
Enjoy your time while waiting for the last scraps of sorrow to fade away, because there is no reason not to.
I want to ask everyone who’s reading this: How would your letter be? What is good about you? Do you give yourself enough comfort? Could you give even more? What would be really great for you, and why do you deserve it in the first place? If you don’t feel like writing a whole letter, is it possible to think about those questions? It`s far too common to forget oneself in a hectic life.
One of the things I`ve tried to do lately, is using art journaling in new ways. The idea came after I wrote my fan letter to Stephen King and wanted to do something special with it. The thought hit me: What if I made a “creepy” background? The first time I tried to satisfy my thought, it did not work out at all. The colors were so strong that it was impossible to read the text afterwards. After several tries, however, I am satisfied with the result and look forward to send it. I have no illusions about this: I do not expect an answer, but I still want to follow my dreams. My hope is that he will know how much I have loved his books and how they inspired me.
I have found a new app that I really liked. It makes what you write, stylish and beautiful, and I am a bit fascinated by feats like that.
Today has been a mellow, calm day. I woke up at 10.00 after sleeping as many hours, had breakfast and went to swim for half an hour. It was lovely to use energy and feel I got as much as I spent.
After that I`ve been looking through a book about psychopathy (read all the personal stories, and skimmed through the rest) and preparing my apartment for this evening. Will have some friends over, and hopefully have a good time. I wish you all a good weekend, and will probably post more posts tomorrow. Thought I could check in on what you find interesting on my blog, and what you don`t like so much. I love feedback (like all people do).
Now I am starting on my last two days of the holiday I had. Mostly I have been scrapbooking, reading and written a bit on my blog. I have been with Mr. Nice Guy, and yesterday I was with my family. I had a bike tour and today I`ve been with my father today. We have talked about his adoption, which we never have done before. I also tried to ask him a bit about childhood memories, but he couldn`t remember anything specific.
Tomorrow is the last dayh with mr Nice Guy and on sunday I will probably scrapbook and read some more. What are your plans for the weekend? Do you have any book or movie recommendations for me?
By now most scientists agree that humans are a product of both genes and environment, working together. Even if genes might influence our personality, the situation around us can mold and shape it until we have become ourselves. An interesting question when it comes to this, is what influences us in the environment, so that we know what to do when something goes wrong.
The following video will focus on research that explore how fathers influence their kids and shape what choices they take later in life. For example, research shows that girls who have a good relationship with her father, chooses partners with similar personalities, and who actually LOOK the same. More, women who have her partner present while giving birth, and who touches her, release more oxytocin that relieve pain, having an easier child-birth. Moreover, no matter how much testosterone a man has before they become fathers, levels drop to one-third when they hold the newborns in their arms. This and more in the video below.
No matter what you see when you open your eyes: A man snoring happily in his sleep, a roof from 1953, bottles from yesterday, a terrible mess that have to be cleaned, a stylish expensive room, thin greasy paper walls, or just your dreams lingering on, it is your life. Right now, this is what it consists of. But what you don`t know is how the rest of the day will be. Sure, you might have plans, but do you know who you might smile to? The things you can see along the way? The friend you could call, the words you can read ? The idea you might get? The food that will touch your taste buds, nerve cells bringing the news to the brain so that you can react with glee or disgust?You get up, start doing what you must: Making breakfast, awakening your sleepy children, getting the paper, making plans, fixing or maybe it is to carefully be sure that you don`t burn the last rice, to ignore the beetles on the floor, or to try to not to think about past regrets, looking after your sick child or hoping your mother-in law won`t be up, making her special waffles.
No matter what you do, if you take a long or short shower, if you brush your own or someone else`s teeth (or don`t even own a toothbrush), if you must go to work or will spend the day on a white beach, if you say hello to noone, the man/women of your dreams or someone who used to be, you have small choices all the time. You can feel the drops from the shower. How they touch your skin, how they look on the wall, how warm and cold they are. You can feel how good it is to brush away yesterday`s news, or brush so hard that the toothbrush looks like a tornado afterwards. You can look at it this way, or that way. Your choice. Your life. And sure, some things are harder to change than others, but that doesn`t mean you can`t drag new air into your lungs, let the smell of fresh coffee enter your nose, that you think about a pleasant memory or dream about what you can do with your situation. Your choice, your life.
No matter where you live, the sun goes up, and goes down. Sometimes its cloudy, but it`s still there, preparing for a new show, resting its rays or just reminding you that there is something worth waiting for.
So begin the new day the way you want. Like they said on an old computer game: “What are you waiting for. Christmas?”
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